A Woman in Our Neighborhood Claims There’s One Decoration “Too Scary” for Her Child

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Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday.

Hey Prudie, 

Re Halloween Hell: My neighborhood has someone wanting the homeowners’ association to regulate Halloween decorations because some of them are “too scary” for her Precious Child. I remember we once had a letter like this. She is especially concerned about a wooden, life-sized, painted witch animatronic a neighbor down the street from her has. This is a quality item and must have cost them a pretty penny—they only put it out when they’re home and bring it in every night. It has a proximity sensor and “wakes up” when someone’s in front of it and starts talking and cackling and shaking its broom. Most of the kids in the neighborhood love it.

We have a new HOA board member whose campaign could have been summed up as “Stop the Madness” (I voted for him, of course), and I hear he sent her a map of the neighborhood with suggested walking paths that don’t go by the witch drawn on it. A good use of my fees, I think.

—GG1000

The child in my life who is still traumatized by the time we were visiting someone and their Roomba started up unexpectedly would have also been terrified of this witch! Even so, I’m on your side and love the idea of suggesting alternate walking paths.

Hey Prudie,

One of the things that may be in play with the Dubai Distance situation is how traditional/religious the boyfriend’s parents are. Is it possible that they are disapproving of their son’s relationship in the U.K. and are looking to engineer permanent distance by requiring his assistance with the family business in India? If that’s the case and the boyfriend’s passively/dutifully going along with their plans, rather than actively making his own plans to keep the letter writer in his life, I suspect it’s just a matter of time until contact between them tapers off entirely.

—Survivor of Cross Cultural Brush Off

Very possible! Whatever the parents motivations, if the boyfriend is allowing them to interfere with the relationship, things don’t look great for the letter writer.

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Hey Prudie,

Re Belated Bereavement Buddy: I lost my son. One of the hardest parts of this loss is people in your life quickly moving on and never giving you space to talk. I would have relished a card of condolences at any point. You will not be reminding a parent that their child died; as a parent, we remember every day that our child is no longer with us. Believe me, families are still grieving months and years later, and acknowledging their loved one is comforting. Knowing someone is thinking of you and has compassion helps the grieving process.

I think the worst thing is to do nothing. Plant a tree in their name, make a donation, send cards for meal delivery, send a maid service or lawn care, or send a card to say that you are thinking of them.

Great advice to keep the comments short: “I am sorry for your pain and your loss” or “You did not deserve this, I am so sorry.” Absolutely do not mention God’s will or plan. You should not speak for God. I could go on…

—Leann

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I really appreciate this perspective. Thank you.

Hey Prudie,

Re Belated Bereavement Buddy: I have found in today’s world of tech that a text seems to be appropriate in these situations. A simple “I just learned about Tim, and I wanted you to know I am thinking about you all and would like to make a donation in his honor. Is there a cause or interest that might make sense?” Or “I’d like to bring over a meal. Is there a good night this week?” It allows a genuine and timely response, includes action items, and lastly allows an avenue for them to respond if they feel up to it.

Sadly, I have three friends who lost children somewhat recently. Two were responsive immediately, one of whom wanted someone to genuinely talk to, as most people say “so sorry” and then bail out of discomfort. One didn’t want to talk, so I gently sent “just thinking of you” (but we were super close; I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this if you aren’t), every few days until she came out of her isolation and was ready to talk. I went on to be a surrogate for their next son.

—Amber

You make an important point, which is that there’s not one correct or appropriate way to respond in this awful situation. Keeping that in mind—and tailoring the response to what you know about the grieving person, while paying attention to the signs they give about what they need—is probably the best approach.

Hey Prudie,

I was very disappointed in your answer to Banging the Babysitter. The father and his girlfriend are both adults. If the father had dated the babysitter when she was a teenager, I would understand your answer, but implying that he has a grooming relationship with this woman is ridiculous.

I met my husband when I was 25, and he was 49. We have been together for 31 years, and I can’t imagine a healthier, more respectful, and nurturing relationship. We are grateful we found each other every day. My stepdaughter had a similar reaction when she found out her father and I were dating. I did not know him or his family before we met when I was 25. I moved to the area for a job and met him through my work. But even if I had babysat for the family, fathers generally don’t have much of a relationship with a babysitter other than paying them and maybe driving them home. The children have a stronger relationship with a babysitter than the parents ever do.

Unfortunately, my stepdaughter’s thinking has not evolved. After her father and I married, she limited her contact with us. Her reasoning was: “I told you not to date her, and you married her? What did you expect?”

I think there could be a host of reasons why the letter writer has a problem with her father‘s new relationship. She may be unhappy that her father has moved on from the marriage to her mother. She may feel like because this person makes her father so happy, she has been replaced. I think advising the letter writer to get some therapy to explore why she feels like this would have been helpful. I definitely think that the letter writer should tell her father, and I’m glad Prudence recommended she not do that in an ultimatum way. But stereotyping the father and the babysitter‘s relationship is unhelpful.

—Unconventional Wife of 30-Plus Years

I didn’t say he had a grooming relationship with her, and I definitely don’t believe that! But you are not alone in your belief that I was too harsh to this man, and I hear you. The idea that shaped my response, which I didn’t quite articulate, is that if you meet someone at a time when dating them would have been creepy, that creepiness is kind of grandfathered in, even if you cross paths later as two consenting adults. That’s why I understood why the situation gave the letter writer the ick.

But the relationship could be perfectly fine for the people involved at this point, and marriages like yours support that argument.

Hey Prudie, 

I’m writing about Dreading a Winter Trip to Florida. As a veteran myself, and one from a family of veterans, I agree with your advice. But I want to add something that might help.

A lot of us come home carrying things that are hard to name and hard to set down, and that makes relating to civilian life difficult. Many of us are struggling, and most of it never gets reported. We’re trained to handle our own problems, so the real numbers stay hidden. My guess is no one has ever earnestly asked “Richard” who he is outside the service. He may never have asked himself. The war stories usually aren’t vanity. They’re often the only language he’s been handed for connecting.

So the attempts that read as annoying or juvenile are likely attempts to connect. Rather than quietly resenting them, be frank. Vets are used to direct, effective communication, and it lands better than hinting. Something like, “Richard, I’ve heard a lot about your time in. I’d love to hear what you’re into outside of it. What drives you? Any hobbies?”

Gentle, straightforward corrections help too. Little reminders to pass the talking stick. And one question I’ve seen open people up, even guys who haven’t worn the uniform in years, is “Who are you when you take it off?”

It is my hope to help civilians understand the alienation a lot of us feel, so they can meet us with patience instead of irritation. Reintegration is painful, but with a little care and community understanding, it can be a beautiful thing.

—The Gentle Veteran (he/him)

The point about direct communication is such a good one. And overall, this is just a really thoughtful explanation of what a veteran might be experiencing. Thanks for taking the time to write it!

Classic Prudie

My parents died when my siblings and I were very young. Their estate was divided equally into three separate trusts for our education. Anything left over after graduating would be paid out when we turned 25. I watched my siblings squander theirs by failing out of college, renting needlessly expensive apartments, and getting pregnant twice. While they’re doing all right now, neither had anything left in their trust by their 25th birthdays.