My Husband Has a Very Demanding Job and Is Always Disappointing Our Kids. His “Solution” Is Just Ridiculous.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband, “Henry,” has a job that pays an excellent salary, but requires a great deal of travel. As a result, he’s missed more than a few of our 8-year-old daughter “Lilah’s” special events, leaving her disappointed. Last month Lilah was up for promotion in karate and Henry promised her he would be there only for him to have to head overseas at the last moment.

Lilah was furious when her dad couldn’t come and gave him the cold shoulder for days. Then last weekend she came home from an outing with him and was elated. What turned things around? He had taken her to a boarding stable where he revealed he had bought her a horse! Lilah has been in love with horses since she was a toddler and always wanted one. We can afford it, but that’s not the point. The issues I have are that Henry didn’t consult me and that it feels like he’s buying our daughter’s forgiveness. My husband says that it’s his way of making up for not being around as much as he wishes he could be and to “just let her enjoy it.” Is he in the wrong? Or am I making too big a deal over this?

—No Horse

Dear No Horse,

I can admit that there were times in my daughter’s life where I used material goods to make up for the absence caused by my work. If I had to do it again, I still would. I needed to be gone in order to provide for our family including the nice things I was able to do for my kid. She enjoyed the fruits of my labor. Why are you so upset about this gift? Your husband missed a big event and returned with a big gesture. He isn’t buying your child’s love, he’s making sure she benefits directly from his absence.

Your husband is going to miss important moments in the future, that’s just the nature of his career. Think about the kid whose parent couldn’t come to a recital because they work three jobs and who can’t afford to make up for it with a splashy gift. I grew up working class, and I would trade some of that quality time with my parents for the equivalent of a horse in a heartbeat. As long as Henry isn’t deliberately choosing to miss major moments, I think what he’s doing as fine. But do let him know that future “I’m sorry” presents don’t always need to be so grand, if only because you don’t want your daughter to have unreasonable expectations. Your husband should also speak honestly with Lilah about his absences and explain why he has to work the way he does to give your family a life you can enjoy.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband, “Craig,” was out with our two kids, “Camden,” 3, and “Violet,” 7, two weekends ago and came home with Camden in tears. It turned out that they had gone to the Spirit Halloween store that popped up recently and Camden got scared the moment they set foot inside. Instead of leaving, Craig spent the next half hour in there while Violet looked around for a costume.

Now Camden is having nightmares and cries unless he gets to sleep in our room. My husband is upset that this has put a damper on our sex life and wants to make him stay in his room and cry it out. I say Camden should be able to stay with us as long as it takes until he’s comfortable going back to his room, since Craig caused this whole mess. That’s fair, isn’t it?

—Traumatized Toddler

Dear Traumatized,

It’s interesting that your husband is citing the “damper” on your sex life while you’re concerned with your little one. Camden is still quite little and I think the right thing to do is to indulge him for now. If he wakes up to come join you in your bed, once he’s calmed down, try taking turns returning him to his room and cuddling him until he goes to sleep. Remind Craig that keeping a terrified kid who was a baby mere minutes ago in Spirit Halloween for half an hour was a really shitty thing to do and now you’re all dealing with the consequences. Act like an ass and you might not be able to get any.                           

—Jamilah

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