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Tom Wolfe once said: “One belongs to New York instantly.”
Spoken like a true transplant.
At long last, a new department will put an end to the enduring and increasingly intense debate on who gets to call themselves a New Yorker — and has already revoked the bragging rights of the most famous native.
In its first official action, the Department of New Yorker Verification ruled that President Donald Trump is not fit for the coveted status despite being a born-and-bred Queens man and Manhattan real estate mogul.
“He is, probably at this point, the most famous New Yorker there is. And he has constantly talked s–t about the city, denigrated both the diversity of religion and nationality of the city, he’s treated the diversity in the city as a problem and has constantly called it a trash hole,” explained Franz Aliquo, the inaugural Verifier General of the DNYV.
“For all those reasons — disrespecting the city itself — I feel like he is definitely the most visible New Yorker that does not deserve to be a New Yorker.”
The dramatic decree comes just a week after Aliquo launched the executive authority on the issue and is now issuing certificates to verified New Yorkers — as part of its mission statement: “Residence is an address. The title is earned.”
In reality, the brand-spanking new agency is an art project by the Queens-born, Roosevelt Island-raised artist who is sick and tired of the ever-changing goalposts for the bragging rights.
Aliquo himself realized he was “being a little gatekeeper” after meeting someone from Westchester County who claimed to be from New York.
“It is an almost silly thing that we put so much weight on what it takes to be a New Yorker. At the same time, the city does shape you in a way that no other place does,” the artist, who is also the brains behind the 2004 Street Wars game, explained.
The DNYV has been rifling through hundreds of applications since it opened last week, all of which were funneled through Track 1: Verification by Origin.
Applicants must share their current address, their birth certificate or high school diploma, and answer a series of questions — like “best pizza” and “worst subway station” — to prove they were born into and molded by the Big Apple.
Track 2: Verification by Experience, tailored for the dreaded but omnipresent transplants, opened Monday and includes a lengthy questionnaire that allows applicants to rack up “suffering points” that only a real New Yorker would be able to secure.
The points vary based on the experiences, like crying in public and jumping a turnstile, as well as finding rats inside your apartment and taping up windows during a blizzard.
“I think the crux of gatekeeping is that people feel it’s a little disrespectful to come into a place and be like, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m one of you’ without having really experienced life,” Aliquo said.
While the DNYV mostly grants certifications, it does reserve the right to revoke the title from those who violate the code of conduct, which simply demands respect for New York City and its people.
Trump was the first to have his certificate revoked, but Aliquo cryptically warned that Jennifer Lopez was on thin ice despite famously being “Jenny from the Block.”
Mayor Zohran Mamdani, however, has “100%” earned his right even though he wasn’t born in the US.
“Not because he’s mayor but just from his attitude and his story. He would definitely count as an official New Yorker,” Aliquo said.