Why Some Partners Don't View Unfaithful Behavior as Cheating

Trust remains one of the most significant hallmarks of successful relationships. So, when it comes to defining infidelity, do you know it when you see it? Apparently, different types of personalities view cheating differently. Research explains.

Infidelity Is in the Eye of the Beholder

Gayle Brewer et al. (2023) examined different perceptions of infidelity in a piece aptly entitled “But It Wasn’t Really Cheating,” specifically examining the viewpoints and behaviors of individuals with Dark Triad traits.[i] They begin by recognizing the three Dark Triad traits as distinct but interrelated, sharing features of lack of empathy and self-centeredness. Within romantic relationships, they note that Dark Triad individuals prefer uncommitted, short-term pairings.

Regarding the distinctions between the categories, Brewer et al. define Machiavellianism as “a strategic, long-term approach to personal relationships,” endorsing manipulation and a willingness to exploit others, and narcissism as involving a sense of superiority and entitlement. Regarding psychopathy, they recognize its link with callousness and impulsiveness but distinguish between primary psychopathy (callousness) and secondary psychopathy (risk-taking and impulsivity). They also found that different dark personalities view infidelity differently.

Personality Is Perception

Brewer et al. recognized five categories of infidelity: online, fantasized, emotional, sexual, and hidden attachment. They found that the Dark Triad traits of Machiavellianism and primary psychopathy predicted how distinct acts were perceived as infidelity, controlling for personal experience and demographic factors. And they explained why.

Brewer et al. explain that people who score high on Machiavellianism were not only less likely to view fantasizing as infidelity, but also less concerned with fantasy if it does not hinder their strategic objectives, such as to obtain status or control. Regarding the decreased likelihood of viewing expressed emotion as infidelity, they note that Machiavellianism is associated with attachment avoidance, preferring emotional and psychological independence, and discomfort with intimacy. Having a partner who has become emotionally attached to others may decrease the pressure they personally feel to exhibit intimacy and emotional closeness, resulting in feeling less distressed by their partner’s behavior.

Regarding the finding that people high in primary psychopathy were more apt to view emotional expression and fantasy as infidelity, Brewer et al. note that primary psychopathy is linked with a higher level of emotional jealousy. Therefore, they note, this link may reflect a higher amount of infidelity sensitivity. They also note that primary psychopathy is associated with less empathy and perspective taking, which could make it hard for someone with these characteristics to understand a partner's motivation for engaging in certain behavior. They give the examples of someone using sexual fantasy to achieve sexual release or having emotional relationships with others for companionship, noting that people high in primary psychopathy would be unable to separate these behaviors from others that present a more direct threat to the relationship.

Brewer et al. also found that individuals high in primary psychopathy were less likely to characterize sexual acts or hidden attachment as infidelity, perhaps reflecting a higher proclivity to engage in sexual infidelity themselves, facilitating justification of their own behavior. Brewer et al. also note that primary psychopathy is linked with self-serving sexual deception, making sexual infidelity and hidden attachment seem more acceptable or desirable.

Seeking a Meeting of the Hearts and Minds

Couples seeking relational quality and permanence should agree on what types of behaviors constitute infidelity and avoid activities that involve extra-relational temptation. Fulfilling relationships are characterized by trust, truth and transparency rather than deception. Plan accordingly, and date responsibly.

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