I Picked My Grandson Up When My Son-in-Law Was a No-Show. What We Saw When We Got Home Haunts Me.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter, “Amy,” is married to a worthless reprobate, “John.” Last week, I was at my book club when I received a text from my 8-year-old grandson, “Harlan.” His soccer practice had ended and John was more than an hour late in picking him up. Harlan had tried to reach him, but received no response, and my daughter was out of town on a business trip. I rushed over and got him. When we arrived back at his house, we found John passed out drunk in front of the TV and the baby screaming in her crib in a dirty diaper.

As soon as I took care of the kids, I contacted my daughter and described what I discovered.  Instead of being outraged, she made excuses for John and asked if I could keep an eye on the kids until she got back the following morning.  I wasn’t about to leave my grandkids with the drunken POS, so I did.

This is hardly the first time my son-in-law has been irresponsible with the kids, but I am certain it won’t be the last.  When I tried to convince Amy to leave John, her response was to claim, “He’s flawed, but still has wonderful qualities.” I’m honestly at a loss as to what to do.  By continuing to clean up John’s messes, I’m enabling him. If I don’t, I fear for my grandchildren’s safety.  Any suggestions?

—On-Call Grandma

Dear Grandma,

Y-i-k-e-s. I have a few thoughts for you. The first is, you’re not going to be able to convince your daughter to leave her husband, because no one can convince anyone to leave anyone. (I’m not sure if it’s ever successfully been done, actually.) It’s possible that in the future she will come to the realization that she and her children will be safer without him, but until that day, you need to focus your conversations with her on another goal: keeping your grandchildren safe.

Tell your daughter that what happened last week can never happen again. Until John has committed to being responsible and sober by going to rehab or AA, then your daughter needs to commit to not leaving the children alone with him. This is not an unreasonable expectation after what happened. Obviously a man who passed out drunk and left one kid at soccer practice and the other screaming in a pack-n-play can’t safely care for his kids until proven otherwise.

Ask about her plans to keep the kids safe, including future work trips when she has to leave town. If you have the capacity to volunteer to take more of a regular caretaking role for your grandkids, I think they could really need it right now. That’s not enabling John. He’s going to do what he’s going to do regardless of whether someone is there to take care of his kids or not. By stepping up, you’d be helping the kids. It sounds like these kids need it. You could tell your daughter that you’re willing to do it if John goes to rehab.

And I might also remind her that, if Harlan hadn’t been able to get ahold of you, the incident last week could have gone a lot differently. It’s within the realm of possibility that CPS or the police could have been involved. And that wouldn’t just suck for John! It could be incredibly traumatic for the kids, too. (I don’t really advocate you going this route at all if it can be helped, but ultimately, if after intervening you still think the kids are in danger, well, needs must.)

And definitely make sure to tell your grandson that he did the exact right thing when he texted you to come get him. Tell him that he can call you whenever he feels unsafe, or anytime at all to chat. I’m rooting for you and for them.

—Logan

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