Even if it appears your spouse just up and left without a thought, chances are there were signs they were checking out long before. Signs you may not have noticed or that you subconsciously ignored.
No matter how you got here, the proverb “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” can inspire you to regain control of your life. Whether you and your spouse have decided to reconcile or you want to learn from the past and be more present with someone new, identifying behaviors that suggest your spouse may be checking out of your marriage can keep you from being blindsided.
They Communicate Less
Instead of saying, “Let’s talk,” people who are checking out of a marriage tend to do the opposite: They say nothing. But not necessarily regarding the practical matters that keep the home running, like whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher or whether they’ll be home for dinner. The silence is subtler, and evident in what they don't say.
For example, the withdrawing spouse may no longer tell you about their day or ask you to come to bed. They may stop bringing up what’s been bothering them, like an issue at work, or no longer ask if you noticed they got their hair trimmed or bought a new lamp for the living room. Most evidently, they stop fighting for what they once did in the marriage. If you’re not paying attention, you could easily miss these signs or dismiss them, attributing them to another cause.
Their Body Language Changes
Beyond the words, and even when the language still feels familiar, a spouse with one foot out the door often exhibits changes in their body language. They may no longer move in for the hug, pick up your hand to hold it, initiate sex, or, if you initiate it, want to engage. They may flinch if you touch them, turn their back on you in bed, or cross their arms when you talk to them.
Body language is reflexive and can’t hide what words can. If you’re attuned to these changes, you may realize something is, or has been, going on beneath the surface.
They’re Not As Considerate at Home
When a spouse cares about you, they demonstrate it. They bring you a cup of coffee, put out a clean bath towel if you forgot, and heat up your dinner when you’re on the way home.
If these behaviors were present before and then slowly disappear, it can signal that your spouse is less invested in you. Again, this can happen temporarily if someone is overwhelmed or busy. However, when it becomes the new status quo, it’s time to question why.
They Change Their Appearance
Many people who discover their spouse is having an affair say their spouse made changes in their physical appearance. This can be buying new clothes, changing their hairstyle, or wearing makeup when they didn’t before.
Of course, these behaviors don’t have to indicate an affair or even a loss of interest in the marriage. Instead, they can reveal something as simple as exercising self-care where they hadn’t before. But they could mean more, and if you see not just one but several of these outward changes, you may want to look for possible reasons, including that your spouse no longer wants to be with you.
They Stop Explaining (or Explain More)
When someone in a healthy marriage leaves for an errand or activity, they typically say goodbye and let the other person know where they’re going: “Going to the grocery store, do you need anything?” or “I’ll be a few minutes late tonight because I need to fill up the car.”
When these small explanations for someone’s whereabouts stop, along with their willingness to serve you or keep you from worrying, it’s time to take notice. Naturally, people can forget from time to time, so you’re looking for consistency.
On the flip side, when someone explains too much about where they were or where they’re going, it can also be that they’re hiding something. Though it doesn’t have to mean they’re cheating, even leaving you out of an activity you might normally be a part of can indicate they no longer care about whether you’re there or your feelings.
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They Become More Independent
Becoming more independent in a marriage can similarly indicate that a spouse is preparing to leave. One of the most obvious signs is if your spouse isolates their money from yours, or does so more than usual. Or they save for or make large purchases, such as a new home, car, or boat, and don’t include you in the decision-making.
A spouse who hasn’t worked outside the home in years suddenly wanting to go back to school to increase their marketability, or picking up their career where they left off, can likewise signal that they want more independence, and that they want it to get away from you. Of course, there can be many reasons why a person wants more independence. That being said, without the communication to accompany the change, it can and should leave you wondering.
They Hint That They’re Not Happy
Perhaps the most obvious sign your spouse is checking out is that they tell you. They may not be blunt about it (“I’m not happy here anymore.”) but, instead, say something less forthcoming, even phrasing it as a question to gauge your feelings: “I’m kind of feeling blah these days and may need to make some changes in my life,” or "How do you think things are going between us lately?”
Not asking a follow-up question, or answering “Fine” to the latter and ending the conversation, can leave your spouse wanting to communicate but unsure how to speak to you. And no alternative but to “surprise” you by leaving when, in reality, you didn’t have to be surprised and could’ve worked on your issues together.