Everyone Makes the Same Comment About Our Three Beautiful Kids. I Want It to Stop.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband, “Chad,” and I have been married for 10 years. We have three kids: a son and two daughters, who are 8, 6, and 2, respectively.

My kids all look very similar to each other and they all look almost exactly like my husband. One of the kids has my hair color, but they are all otherwise physically and especially facially the spitting images of their dad. People constantly point this out to us: family, friends, acquaintances, strangers. Just seeing me, my husband, and at least one kid together leads to random comments all the time about how our kids look exactly like my husband and nothing like me. It’s really starting to really get to me, especially when our older two kids start joking about it,too. I’m usually thicker-skinned than this, and I’m really not sure why this is getting to me so much or what to do about it. I want people to stop saying this to me, but I also want to be less upset. Help.

—Yes They’re Mine

Dear Yes They’re Mine, 

When my first son was born, my dad would always ask, with genuine befuddlement, “Who does he look like?” For the first few months, when our son was mostly a blob with a wandering eye, this didn’t bother me, but as he grew into a more handsome child, both me and my wife began to get annoyed. “I think he’s calling us ugly,” I’d say—which is more a reflection on our own self-esteem issues than any intentional cruelty on my father’s part.

He continued to ask these questions after our daughter was born, so I was deeply frustrated and resentful of him. I said something along the lines of, “You’re being rude to us,” and he was confused by that response.  (To be fair, my father was also in the beginning stages of dementia, so his brain was doing all sorts of goofy stuff he had no control over.)

But the question you’re asking—how to not feel bad about this—is a difficult one, because I understand that you don’t want to come off as hypersensitive by constantly reminding people that their comments hurt your feelings. But you should say something to the person who insults you. “They’re mine, too,” is actually a great and sufficient response, and will most likely shut them down. Or you can just grumble to yourself, kiss your kids and tell them, “You’re mine, too.” They’ll appreciate it.

Dear Care and Feeding,

This year is my and my husband “Adam’s” turn to host Thanksgiving. I’m looking forward to it, but there’s just one problem. His brother “Drew” and his wife “Evelyn” stay with us when they visit because they come in from out of state and the hotels in our area are pricey. Adam’s parents do live nearby, but they have a dog and Evelyn is allergic. So they stay with us. The thing is, every time they stay with us they have insanely loud sex each night without fail.

I didn’t care about it before, but now Adam and I have a 2.5-year-old. Her room is closer to the guest room than ours is, and even from our room, we can hear everything that goes on between Drew and Evelyn. I don’t want our child subjected to that, or at a minimum woken up late at night. Would it be OK to ask my brother-in-law and his wife to put their escapades on hold while they’re here, considering?

—Trying to Spare Little Ears

Dear Trying to Spare Little Ears, 

Hoo boy. First congrats to your stallion brother-in-law and his wife on their prodigious sex-having talents! More couples should be as noisy and uninhibited. But, I agree, your daughter shouldn’t have to be awakened by all those thunderously lust-filled grunts and groans.

I don’t think it’s at all out of line to say something to them. Let’s reframe this: Let’s say that each time Drew stayed at your house, he practiced the trumpet during all hours of the night. You’re impressed by his playing, but now that you have a child, you’d prefer he put his trumpet away. Put your foot down: “If you can’t stop playing that damn trumpet, Drew, I’m gonna need you to stay someplace else this Thanksgiving.”

Tell him he needs to stay in a hotel or, if that’s too expensive, insist that he play his trumpet in his car a few blocks away, so he doesn’t wake your daughter.

Bottom line: I don’t think it’s inappropriate or rude to tell Humpy Gillespie not to play his trumpet in your house anymore. He and Evelyn will most likely be flattered to be asked to abstain.

—A.J.

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