My "Zoom Out Theory" grew from the idea that the way we feel in the moment of decision-making can have long-term implications for our lives and the lives of our future children. One example of this is when we experience fear related to donor conception. When fear is present, it can be difficult to think calmly and separate what is happening from what we fear may happen.
Some parents experience years of infertility, loss, and grief. Others, such as those who are single parents by choice or same-sex couples, may experience fewer of these feelings but may still feel the discomfort of managing conversations with their donor-conceived child that are completely foreign to them. They worry about trying to get it "right," how the child will feel about bonding, and perhaps feel some sadness that they could not simply use their own genetics or those of their partner to build their family and instead needed to choose the genetics from someone they don’t know.
No matter how much the child is adored and wanted, these fears may loom over a parent's head, causing them to react from their own feelings rather than their child’s actual experience. They may assume the child feels the way they feel. If we zoom out, we would realize that just like adults, our children will have different temperaments. They may be the sort of person who loves to talk about their donor conception story, or perhaps they don't, or maybe, they don't think about it much at all and they are more focused on their day-to-day lives. In my practice, and on my podcast, Building Your Family, I’ve met with donor-conceived people who are interested in connecting with their donor and/or donor siblings and the sibling they grew up with is not interested in either. Part of being a parent, whether your child is donor-conceived or not, is learning who they are and supporting and loving them for exactly that. Leading with curiosity and openness so you can discover who they are is far more helpful than assumptions rooted in our own anxiety and personal experience.
To illustrate this point, here are three moments that often trigger an emotional response in parents of donor-conceived children and a different way of thinking through each one:
1. Curiosity is not rejection
Your child wanting to know more about their donor does not mean they love you any less or feel less connected to you. Children typically want to understand themselves and the world around them. For donor-conceived children, that curiosity may include questions about their genetic origins, their donor, or other people to whom they are genetically connected. These questions are about curiosity, not a reflection on how they feel about their parents. Your child can love you deeply, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are their parent, and be curious about where they come from. These feelings can exist together.
2. Having all the answers is less important than supporting them in their self-discovery
One of the most important things parents can communicate to their children is that it is OK to ask questions, even when the answers aren’t immediately available. You can simply say, “I don’t know, but we can find out together.” Depending on your donor arrangement, there may be questions you cannot answer and that uncertainty may make you anxious. Take comfort in knowing that your child’s experience of you being open with them, sitting with them in their uncertainty and curiosity, and being willing to discuss any subject they raise is far more important to your relationship with them and their self-esteem than any one piece of information you may or may not have about the donor. They need to know that they can continue to ask you questions as they grow and you will not shy away from them.
3. Stay where your child is
It is natural, in an anxious state, to answer the question you think your child needs to hear rather than the one that they are actually asking. For example, your child may ask if their donor has children, and rather than rushing to find out, you might tell them what you know or don’t know in that moment and then ask them if there were other things they were wondering about. Your child may respond that they wondered if they also had curly hair, if they could meet them one day, if they had three children like in your family, or maybe they want you to have another baby, or wish they could be a baby again, and that is where their mind went when they began thinking about that topic.
The more you explore, the more you will learn what they are thinking, and the answers may surprise you. It will also remind you that your child is a separate person, and not walking around the world with the same anxieties you have.
Ultimately, you want your child to feel loved for all of who they are, not just the parts that are related to you. Leading with curiosity will help them feel that you are interested in knowing them. Trust is not built in one discussion. It is built over time, one conversation at a time.