“Can you send me a list for the supermarket?” asks my husband as he heads off to the shops, not realising how much this comment makes my blood boil. I’ve already filled in our three children’s flu vaccine forms, booked a babysitter and asked a parent what their child would like for their birthday. Now I need to look in the fridge and cupboards to tell him what to buy.
The mental load has been unequal in our house for a long time, but it’s also something Matt and I have been trying to improve. We have three sons; one aged 10 and twins who are seven, so life is full-on. I’ve always been the type of person who would rather just get a job done myself than delegate and wait for someone else to do it, possibly not to my standard. But I know I need to be less controlling and ask for help when I feel overwhelmed. Matt is a fantastic husband and dad, but he doesn’t always see or predict what needs to be done.
Invisible labour, or the mental load, is defined by professor of sociology Leah Ruppanner as the “constant, unseen work of planning, worrying, and remembering”. Ruppanner, who works at the University of Melbourne, has recognised eight categories of invisible labour, including life organisation, emotional support, magic making, individual upkeep and relationship hygiene load. And in many heterosexual relationships, much of this will fall to the woman.
There are many reasons why women become the “default” parent. It could be because we’ve spent more time with our children at home after taking maternity leave. Or it could be a continuation of traditional gender roles within families and relationships which haven’t been acknowledged or altered.
For me, managing the mental load keeps me up at night, has me using my phone far more than I’d like in the evenings, and leads to a quarterly eruption of frustration and tears at how hard the juggle is. Matt and I have tried a few ways of balancing things out, such as giving each other autonomy over certain jobs or kids’ activities. We communicate a lot better than in the early days of parenting, and I’m becoming better at asking for help. But when we were offered the chance to work with a mental load coach, we jumped at it.
The recovering man-child who became a mental load coach for men
I was actually quite surprised at how eager Matt was when I suggested meeting mental load coach Zach Watson. I was worried he’d think it would be an hour of me listing all of the tasks I do, thus making him feel even worse. But he saw it as a chance for us to avoid tension.
Watson told us our situation was something he sees a lot with his clients and is something he experienced in his own marriage. He described himself as a “recovering man-child” and says his marriage nearly ended in 2018 because of mental load issues. This challenging time led to him eventually creating his coaching community for men who also need advice on how to take on their share of household responsibilities. Watson now coaches both couples and men individually on how to rebalance the load, and runs a seven-week Mental Load Mastery programme just for men.
When we started the one-hour online session, I could feel immediately that, while it was designed for both of us to talk about our emotions, the focus would be on Matt finding practical ways for us to divide our family logistics more fairly. It was a good way for me to practice letting Matt take the lead.
I learned my husband feels left out when I plan everything
Watson first introduced his Fair Play CPE (Conception, Planning and Execution) method, which encourages each party to take ownership of tasks from start to finish, rather than both doing parts of them. For us, we decided to use the example of kids’ birthday parties, which have been taking over our weekends for years. All too often, birthday parties seem to be planned by mums who then set up WhatsApp groups containing only mums. Watson suggested that Matt should ask for the dad’s contact details when communicating about a party to promote a more equitable involvement. This seemed like a good idea – as long as the child’s dad also has a clue what’s going on! We decided it would be Matt’s task to reply to invitations, sort gifts, transport and all other elements involved.
One of the key suggestions from Watson is to hold a weekly BUILD meeting (Baseline routines, Understanding, Initiative-taking, Logistics, Operations, Direction and Decision-making). He asked us to choose a time to hold a meeting every week without fail. He said he and his wife like to bring snacks such as coffee and doughnuts to make it more fun. The point of the meeting is to have a non-negotiable time to discuss upcoming events, logistics and other issues before making plans and decisions. Watson told us Matt would lead the meetings, which made me feel slightly uneasy, before I remembered that the whole point is I need to delegate more.
The final exercise of our session was designed to bring awareness of how the mental load affects us both emotionally. We used the example of our oldest son’s birthday party, which I researched and planned from start to finish in August and felt quite resentful about.
Neither of us realised so many different feelings could be tied to one event. Matt felt upset that he was left out of the party planning, but was also happy and grateful to me that it had gone well. I felt sad that he hadn’t offered to help or taken the initiative to do it himself, but also guilty for taking over. Knowing how our actions affected the other, and ourselves, will hopefully mean we can work better as a team in future.
This was the main takeaway from our session. We’d forgotten how to be a team and to acknowledge that, while life is crazy and stressful at times, it’s always easier to share the load.
My husband now does food shopping, birthday present buying and appointments
There’s a lot which has changed in our household since our session four weeks ago. I can already feel a weight off my shoulders with Matt in charge of kids’ party admin. It might seem like a small thing but with three children, there are a lot of parties. I went away for a few days and came back to presents having been bought and wrapped, ready for that weekend. I hadn’t had to nudge him to do it. He asked the boys what they thought their friends would like and ordered everything.
We’ve had three BUILD meetings now and Matt has led each one, as suggested. As well as logistics of the week’s drop-offs, social events and appointments, the meeting also gives us a chance to chat about things further ahead in the calendar, such as Christmas or how many annual leave days we have left and house DIY which needs doing. Decisions don’t always have to be made on the spot, but I’ve found it so useful to share the other things which go around in my head last thing at night.
There are other practical things we’ve changed too, such as immediately adding Matt to party WhatsApp groups and discussing appointments before I just book them, and dividing up the children’s activities. Matt now puts school events into our shared calendar as soon as they get emailed to us. Food shopping for the weekend has also become his job on a Friday morning, and we sit down together to discuss what we want to cook. The mental load of planning and feeding a family of five is one thing I’ve always struggled with.
All of this new communication and proactive actions have eased the bickering when we’re tired in the evenings. I’m better asking for help and we’re making sure we show our appreciation for everything the other does. Life feels less stressful because we feel more organised. It’s not perfect, and I’m sure tensions will surface, but it’s a start. After 10 years of parenting, I just wish we’d done this sooner.