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Few pitfalls of modern relationships are more confounding than being ghosted — but new research suggests that those who ghost may suffer most.
Ghosting, the act of disappearing on a partner without warning, is a full-scale epidemic. A recent survey revealed that 75% of people have been ghosted by a former lover.
For the victim, ghosting often leads to confusion, distress, and a kind of emotional purgatory, as the person being ignored wonders whether the relationship is over, they did something to deserve their exile, or something catastrophic has happened to the person who has suddenly gone no-contact.
In Psychology Today, Dr. Jennice Vilhauer writes that ghosting inhibits our ability to process.
“Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react,” said Vilhauer. “It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened.”
However, researchers have recently discovered that people who perform this cruel disappearing act are often beset with guilt, shame and remorse.
To understand who ghosting truly haunts, a joint research team from Cambridge and the University of California explored the phenomenon through three studies covering lived experiences, imagined situations, and live digital interactions.
“We find that people who are ghosted underestimate how bad their conversation partners feel about ghosting them,” study authors wrote in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
“Overall, this research provides a window into the overlooked pain of ghosting others,” they added.
Across all three studies, researchers found that the person who gets ghosted often assumes the person who cut off contact did so because they didn’t care or had moved on with someone else.
However, in many instances, the “ghosters” reported feeling genuinely conflicted and remorseful about their behavior.
“People who ghost others may experience guilt and even depressive symptoms consistent with the idea that hurting others can hurt oneself,” wrote the study authors.
This proved particularly true when said ghosting was accidental and triggered by distraction, delayed response time, or abject forgetfulness.
Further, researchers found that a minimal message, something as simple as “sorry, can’t talk,” went a long way toward reducing the misunderstanding and mitigating hard feelings.
“At a time when romantic, social, and professional communication increasingly occurs online, and ghosting is the easiest form of rejection, it is important to understand when and why people ghost and their feelings about doing it,” they concluded.
Researchers hope their findings will help people adopt simple intervention strategies, better understand how conversation partners feel about responses, and navigate everyday communication with more efficacy and empathy.