Victims of intimate partner abuse (IPA) who find themselves repeating harmful relationships most likely have early life experiences that contribute to their vulnerability to perpetrators. Vulnerability does not in any way imply responsibility—that lies solely with the person perpetrating the abuse.
History of Trauma or Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)
“Past exposure to abuse, neglect, or violence can shape a person’s coping skills, self-esteem, and learned understanding of what constitutes normal or acceptable behavior, increasing future vulnerability.” (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, March 2024)
What’s missing is the connection a child develops with his or her emotions that can then be distorted when a caretaker cannot help to identify, name, accept, tolerate, or regulate emotions (Mosquera, 2021).
During childhood, when unhealthy relational dynamics are present and repeated, there is a greater likelihood that those harmful experiences get internalized. When this occurs, both victims and perpetrators can be born. At an early age, some perpetrators learn to counterbalance through blaming others and the use of aggression, while victims might lean toward types of submission (Mosquera, 2021). These behaviors used in the service of self-protection can become well-established coping strategies that show up in future relationships.
Learned Behaviors Undermine Protecting Oneself
Victims of intimate partner abuse can have misguided coping strategies influenced by traumatic childhood experiences, such as neglect, emotional abuse, and physical violence, as well as cultural influences. The behaviors that victims learned early on to protect themselves and avoid the risk of harm can include obeying or pleasing others (e.g., fawning). Fawning means anticipating the needs and wishes of another to avoid conflict, danger, or rejection.
Trauma Responses of Fight, Flight, or Freeze
Victims with an untreated trauma history are often ill-prepared to notice red flags with a coercive intimate partner. Whether feeling entrapped in early life and/or with an abusive partner, they no longer experience the emotion of fear that elicits the fight-or-flight response. In both circumstances, it can’t be enacted. To experience the response of fear, we are sensing in our body an alert—something is happening that is unsavory or dangerous that needs our attention. Instead, the common response is freeze. To freeze is to detach from feeling, to be numb, as a way to cope and survive.
Treating Past Events That Can Feed Current Difficulties
In childhood, when no one assumes responsibility for mistreatment, the child experiences shame and believes that they are to blame. When you believe everything is your fault, you’re all the more vulnerable to an abusive intimate partner who uses blame, degradation, and violence or threats of violence.
For victims with a history of repeating the experience of harmful relationships, the past trauma becomes all the more necessary to address in treatment. At the same time, it’s critical to provide help to notice the use of freezing and use other tools to reduce or move out of it to be fully grounded. Trauma can’t be successfully processed when someone’s feelings are unavailable. In my experience of working with clients in trauma treatment, EMDR is one modality that has proven useful for floating back to find and treat those earlier adverse experiences that are impacting current difficulties.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
©Lambert
References
Mosquera, D. 2021. Webinar: EMDR Therapy for Domestic Violence