7 Strategies to Get Others to See Things Your Way

Thumbing through my many years of blog posts on this site, I found that the two times I wrote about changing someone’s mind rate among my most popular posts. It appears that a lot of us are frustrated over how hard it is to convince others—family members, friends, or strangers whose opinions we know via social or other media—that our own views are the better ones.

A dear cousin of mine can no longer discuss newsworthy topics with her sister, as each of them inevitably gives up, saying to the other, “I don’t know how you can feel that way!” If only they were willing and able to explore which experiences led them to take up such divergent views.

I’ve discovered some fresh insights about this quandary in books by experts in a variety of fields. Whether your goal is mainly to engage more pleasantly with family over Thanksgiving, or to become better at influencing others in the wider world, here are some promising suggestions.

1. Start small. If you’re timid or not yet certain how to approach someone who thinks differently without coming across as too confrontational, choose a modest goal. More people may refuse to engage with you in a conversation about opinions than will participate fully with you, notes David McRaney, author of How Minds Change: The New Science of Belief, Opinion, and Persuasion. That applies to relatives, too, so learn when to move on.
2. Be aware of tribal thinking. McRaney, in his chapter “The Truth is Tribal,” writes that maintaining a person’s group identity is extremely important to them, and if you’re going to make headway in changing someone’s mind, you must understand the strength of that drive to protect themselves.
3. Assume good will, whether struggling with marital disagreements or during conversations with someone outside your usual circle. Unless you strongly suspect that your conversational opposite is a mean, unfeeling, and selfish person, be empathetic first and ask for explanations for their beliefs, rather than announcing yours.
4. Find doors that are already half-open and push gently on them, suggests Daniel Fried, author of The Activist: A Daoist Protest Manual. Along those lines, a study by political scientist David Redlawsk and his colleagues, discussed in depth by McRaney, found that there is “a quantifiable level of doubt when we admit we are likely wrong and become compelled to update our beliefs, attitudes, and values.” And if that level isn’t reached, you (the would-be opinion-shifter) can try to convince someone of the incongruities of their stand, but it only makes them feel more certain.
5. Broaden your thoughts about “change.” That includes paying attention to what has been learned about what actually works to get people to change their minds. For example, see McRaney’s chapter on “street epistemology,” in which he explains how to establish rapport and how to clarify and use your interlocutor’s definitions for his claims.
6. Increase your power and influence by joining like-minded others. Roy Speckhardt, author of Creating Change Through Humanism, suggests getting involved in local chapters of national groups whose values you share.
7. Take stock of your skills. If knocking on doors or speaking directly to those in authority makes you too nervous, use whatever abilities you have to persuade. Writing letters or a story, or creating art of any kind, can cause ripples in the real world, as does pondering how you and those who trust your opinions spend, invest, or donate your money. You don’t have to be a so-called influencer to influence others.

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