Never in the history of the internet have I been sent something as many times as I was sent the Wicker trailer. And that made me feel seen. I haven’t seen the film yet, but I’ll be there on opening night, October 23. I’m praying for a commemorative popcorn bucket. I’ve also been looking for books that give Wicker vibes. I’ve seen some lists and social media posts out there, but only a few are on the right wavelength, if you ask me.
There are plenty of books released in the past few years in the “weird girl lit” subgenre that feature women in love with various inanimate objects—a printer, an airplane, a blob, etc. Granted, I haven’t read all of them. Still, the sense I get from a lot of these books is that the protagonist’s alienation doesn’t necessarily resolve through the relationship with the object. If it resolves, it’s often because of the reestablishment of human connection. And that’s great. What I get from the Wicker trailer is different, and it’s downright gleeful. Olivia Coleman’s character was feeling alienated, and her wicker man (insert your “not the bees!” joke here) is bringing her back to life. So I’m not looking for aloof and detached books. I’m looking for books that take an absurd premise somewhere genuine, earnest, and horny. Here’s what I have for you.
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Pounded by Produce by G.M. FairyIs this erotic Veggie Tales fanfic? Stipulated, but it’s also a lot more than that! This book follows Emily to her new job in a church kitchen. Working at the church are two priests, Robert and Laurent (note the Veggie Tales connection if you dare). Through some wild circumstances, Robert and Laurent occasionally shapeshift into a tomato and a cucumber. Emily, not knowing these vegetables have sentience, uses them as sex toys. It’s a wild story, but at heart it’s about how embracing one’s sexuality can be deeply healing. This one’s for the folks with religious trauma. |
 Ballpark Frank by Aria MazeHow about a sentient hot dog romance? Nadine gets a job at First Base Stadium. Where better than a baseball stadium to enjoy day drinking and a glizzy or two? Then she meets Frankie, a very tall hotdog man, and she feels sparks. Again, there’s a lot of humor and absurdity to the story. But Frankie has more emotional depth than plenty of non-hotdog love interests you might come across, so you should give him a try. |
 Defined And Defiled by Elsie LePlantIf you’re a fan of sentient object romances, head over to Ghostlight Falls. It’s a fictional Pacific Northwest town and the setting for a variety of romance authors to play with the subgenres of monster, paranormal, and sentient object romances. This one from the series–which can be read in any order–features Shirley, a teacher who finds a sentient dictionary in a basement. His name is Richard! They’re a grumpy/sunshine pair! She bangs him and uses him to solve a mystery. Romance novels remain undefeated. |
 Stiff by Thea MasenRichard (not the aforementioned sentient dictionary), a selfish man who lived in the 1200s, cared little for the pleasure of his sexual partners. Naturally, he was cursed to spend eternity as a dildo, purely existing for others’ pleasure. Enter Felicity, who’s writing about the history of sex toys. Her agent sends her a gift; turns out it’s Richard. Can they break the curse? It will require character growth on Richard’s part, and that’s why I chose this book for the list. |
 Pounded in the Butt by My Own Butt by Chuck TingleAnyone who knows a thing or two about out-there romances has read a Tingler. There are, of course, dozens upon dozens to choose from. But I chose Pounded in the Butt by My Own Butt because it begins a series of books Chuck Tingle used to explore identity, reality, desire, and more. The books in the series get recursive, with titles like Pounded In The Butt By My Book “Pounded In The Butt By My Book ‘Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt.'” Chuck Tingle is always ready to be hilarious, absurd, wholesome, and horny all at once, and he’s out there proving love is real. How? By starting with a narcissistic man in love with a winged version of his own butt. |
 Drop Dead Gourdgeous: A Sapphic Demon Romance by Chelsey J. León (out October 29)Lest you worry that there aren’t any sapphic sentient-object romances, I give you this recommendation. A witch casts a drunken spell on three pumpkin seeds and accidentally summons three demon princesses from hell. The result is silly, sexy, and healing. This book is also part of the Monster Smash collection, which is a collection of five sapphic monster romances from a variety of authors. ‘Tis the season! |
If you like your romances to walk the road less traveled, we’ve got you. Over here at Book Riot, we like weird romances, romances that are unhinged, and romances with monsters. So just let me know if you want to carpool to see Wicker and share some popcorn with M&Ms mixed in.