My boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together. And for the most part, I’ve been excited about taking the next step in our relationship: Getting to wake up and go to sleep with each other, being part of each other’s daily routine, and, of course, splitting the bills (groceries are so expensive). But there’s one aspect of our relationship I’ve been thinking about a lot: our sex life.
Currently, my boyfriend and I are like rabbits. We’re constantly trying to get into each other’s pants (and succeeding). Even when we spend a week together at a time, we can expect to have sex anywhere from 2-4 times a day (and yes, I’m bragging). But I am as realistic as I am horny. And I know that when you live with someone, see each other every day, and combine your lives together, your sex life can change.
“Before moving in together, couples often make a conscious effort to spend time together,” Giulia P. Davis, LMFT tells Cosmopolitan. “Once they share a home, that effort can get lost in everyday life.”
Living together changes the rhythm of a relationship, Davis explains. When you’re dating, the time you spend together is often planned, which can create anticipation and excitement. Cohabitation, on the other hand, introduces all the less-than-sexy realities of adulthood: work schedules, chores, bills, and the general exhaustion of being a person with responsibilities.
“When conversations focus on who’s doing the dishes or paying the bills, it’s harder to shift into a romantic mindset,” she says. Resentment and feeling overwhelmed can also affect desire, particularly when one partner feels they’re carrying more of the household responsibilities.
This obviously made me very nervous. But Davis explains that this doesn’t mean your sex life is doomed. For some couples, having more privacy and fewer logistical hurdles means more opportunities to have sex. For others, being in constant proximity can take some of the novelty out of sex. Other couples find themselves going through phases of both.
You Might Have Less Sex, But Better Sex
Ashley, 29, has been with her husband for five years and living together for three. Before moving in, they had sex around four to five times a week, which made sense given how often they saw each other.
Since sharing a home, their sex life has gone through different phases. At times, they’ve had plenty of sex. Other times, they’ve gone weeks without being intimate. These days, they have sex at least once or twice a week.
The length of their encounters has changed, too. “Before, we would just go round after round after round,” she says. “I’m talking, I would have to sneak back into my house at, like, six o’clock in the morning because I lost track of time.”
Now, sex might last 10 minutes one day, 15 the next, and 30 the day after that. But Ashley doesn’t see the shift as a bad thing. If anything, she feels that their sex life has become richer in ways that have little to do with how often they’re doing it.
“Despite the duration and the frequency reducing, the intimacy and our willingness to explore has grown,” she says. “I think that’s because we’re a lot more comfortable with each other.”
That comfort has made Ashley more willing to experiment, suggest new things, and be vulnerable with her husband. She also feels more confident communicating what she wants—and says he’s receptive to her ideas.
They’ve found ways to be intimate outside of sex, too, from extra-long makeout sessions to slowing down and being more affectionate with each other throughout the day.
You’ll Probably Have to Talk About Sex More
Of course, not every couple experiences a drop in frequency or a transformation in their sex life as they settle into domestic bliss. For some, the biggest challenge is just finding the time and energy to act on it.
Kelly, 29, has been with her now-husband for nine years and living together for eight. Since they were already spending most nights at each other’s places, moving in felt like a natural next step, and their active sex life didn’t change much at first.
Now, almost a decade and three kids later, their sex life has evolved alongside the rest of their lives.
“We’ve become more comfortable with each other,” she says. “We know each other better, we know what the other person likes, and we know how to talk about it without being awkward. But I feel like that’s a natural part of the growth of a healthy sex life.”
Still, having a family and a strict routine has made finding time to connect more difficult. Between the demands of parenting and everyday life, they have to be intentional about making room for intimacy.
That means paying attention to each other’s moods, too. Kelly says they have an open dialogue about their sex life and feels comfortable bringing it up when she notices a dip in intimacy or senses that her partner is pulling away. Often, that conversation is enough to encourage them both to be more mindful about reconnecting.
“If I’m not thinking about sex and he is, he’ll check in and get my mind right, too,” she says. “I love that about our dynamic.”
You Might Have to Plan to Have Sex
If you’re used to sex happening whenever you and your partner are alone together, the idea of scheduling intimacy might sound like the least romantic thing imaginable. Shouldn’t desire just happen naturally?
Well, sometimes it does. But Davis encourages couples not to rely entirely on spontaneity, particularly when work, household responsibilities, and family life start competing for their attention.
She suggests intentionally making time for each other, whether that means planning regular date nights, trying something new together, or finding small ways to build anticipation throughout the week. Scheduling intimate time isn’t necessarily unromantic, she says. Sometimes, it helps couples reconnect instead of waiting for the perfect moment to materialize.
And planning doesn’t have to mean blocking off 8 p.m. on Thursday for sex and treating it like a dentist’s appointment. It can be as simple as agreeing to have an evening without phones, taking a shower together, or making time to kiss and cuddle without immediately rushing into the next item on your to-do list.
Davis also recommends talking openly about differences in sexual desire without making either partner feel pressured or rejected. One person might want sex more frequently than the other, and that mismatch doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is in trouble. What matters is whether both people can discuss it honestly and work together to find ways to feel connected.
She emphasizes that affection doesn’t always have to lead to sex. If every kiss, cuddle, or back rub becomes an expectation that things will escalate, a partner who isn’t in the mood might start avoiding affection altogether. Keeping nonsexual intimacy alive can help couples feel close without making every interaction feel like a negotiation.
So while I’m aware that my sex life is bound to change, I know that doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll be for the worse. The things that make the sex between me and my boyfriend so wonderful now—communication, curiosity, the desire to turn each other on—will lay the foundation for the sex we have in the future. And even if it’s hard to imagine a scenario where we’re not constantly ripping each other’s clothes off, I’m excited to see how our intimacy, connection, and love grow.
But I also think only having to pay half my bills will make me exponentially hornier—so we’ll see.