Helping Traumatized Children With Severe Behaviors

Children who've experienced adversity, especially in the earliest months and years of life, often manifest troubling behaviors arising from their pain—including rage and aggression against adoptive parents (especially the mother), defiance, and shunning of parental affection. Many well-meaning adoptive parents are shocked to find that their children can trigger strong feelings of rage and inadequacy. The dynamics of adoptive relationships reveal insights that might benefit many other parents.

In a study by Forbes and Dziegielewski of adoptive mothers of children with special needs—mothers who were distressed enough to seek therapy—77 percent indicated that since adopting, they experienced more rage and anger than ever before. Many mothers were shocked to feel desires to seriously hurt their children or themselves. Many mothers reported stress-related physical and mental health problems, exhaustion, changes in self-image, and marital strains.

In Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, authors Forbes and Post offer helpful tips. They explain that children’s severe behaviors, as well as parents’ strong reactions to the behaviors, spring from strong, unresolved fears. When stress and emotions are beyond the window of tolerance, the general guidelines are to first calm the parent and child until the brain’s reasoning regions re-engage, connect with the child, and then correct.

Don’t Fear Your Past—or Your Pain

The unnerving behaviors of troubled children can stir memories of our own inadequacy or shame—dark places we weren’t consciously aware of, places that we protect with anger. These old troubling memories, once activated, can be changed by the brain. In this way, troubled children can be a gift that leads us to address the buried pain and resolve it. Once resolved, we no longer need our anger to protect against the pain.

One child’s defiance stirred rage and feelings of inadequacy in the parent. Skilled therapy and introspection helped her to realize the origin of those feelings—feeling ineffective to stop her parents’ divorce, her inability to lift her mother’s depression, and her own feelings of rejection. After processing these difficult memories, she was then able to take a deep breath, know that the child’s pain need not trigger her own, and focus on how to help the misbehaving child, not hurt her.

When a Child Lies, Acknowledge Their Fear

The authors indicate that liars include unfaithful spouses, con artists, criminals, and others who hurt people. Perhaps some parents have an overly stern reaction to their child’s lying because they themselves were lied to when young. Perhaps they fear that lying will ruin their child’s life.

For traumatized children, lying is a life-or-death survival strategy to protect against abandonment or rejection (e.g., “If I admit my flaws—if I’m imperfect—I’ll be unloved, punished, or sent away.”). Punishment doesn’t allay the child’s fear.

When a child lies, parents can first calm themselves, and then perhaps give the child a hug and reassure them. Later, when both are regulated, parents can address the importance of telling the truth—how lying damages trust and hurts people. Explain: “Sometimes we lie when we are scared. You are safe here. You can tell me if you made a mistake and I’ll help you.”

Soothe the Internal Distress Behind Compulsive Stealing

The authors suggest viewing stealing as an addiction that soothes internal dysregulation for a brief period of time—calming the hyper-aroused child and giving a rush of alertness for the hypo-aroused child. But like other addictions, the stealing child continues to need another “fix” after the short-lived regulation wears off.

The authors suggest a discussion when both are calm: “When stressed and scared, it feels good to stick something in your pocket. When you feel that way, come to me. Taking things that don’t belong to you hurts and scares people and makes them angry.”

The parent might practice walking into Walmart, keeping the child closer to feel safe, walking up and down the aisles, and returning home, perhaps to a treat. Encourage teachers to say: “I know when you get stressed and scared in class, you feel like stealing from my desk. I want you to know that everything is going to be all right and I’m here to help you. The next time you feel like putting something in your pocket, raise your hand and ask me to come to your desk. You won’t be punished. You have someone to share your feelings with. So please let me help you.”

Demonstrate Food Security to Relieve Hoarding and Gorging

Children who were deprived of food and had no parent to comfort them emotionally often learned to soothe themselves with food hidden in their rooms.

The parent might say, “I know when you get stressed out, you feel the urge to eat something sweet to feel calmer. If you wake up in the middle of the night and need a hug, come wake me up. It’s okay if you are scared and stressed. I’ll sit with you.”

The parent might give the child a snack, and during the day, allow the child to have healthy snacks in a fanny pack to reassure them that food is available.

De-escalate Before Addressing Aggression

The overactive amygdala reacts to perceived threats in a millisecond. The contentedly playing traumatized child who is accidentally bumped might aggressively turn on another child in terror. Even a parent’s angry reaction might elicit biting, kicking, spitting, hitting—survival responses learned early in life. The parent might say, “You look so scared. Come sit with me, dear. You are safe. No one will hurt you. I’m going to keep you safe.” Later on, discuss that hitting and hurting others is wrong.

For the child who throws a tantrum when told to turn off the TV for dinner, the parent might sit beside the child and say, “Dear, in 10 minutes we’re going to have to turn off the TV for dinner.” Five minutes later, the instruction is repeated to prepare the child for a calm transition.

A teen explodes upon returning from school. When his father asks about his day, he yells, “It was terrible. What do you care?” The father calmly says, “I’ll be in the office. Let me know if you need me.” Later, the father goes to the boy’s room and says: “How about saying respectfully, ‘I had a bad day,’ and we talk about it if you like?”

Other Tips

Among the other tips are:

• Don’t demand eye contact when you are angry. This can further scare the already fearful child and trigger defiance or a glazed look.
• Prepare the child who acts up when taken to the store. Explain: “Leaving home and going to the store can be scary. I’ll stay close to keep you safe.” Practice going there for a very short time, and come home quickly, perhaps to a game or snack.
• If the child resists homework and can’t concentrate, ask why homework is scary. Listen. Remind them that homework is important, but they are more important than their grades.

References