In an era dominated by relationship burnout and hyper-individualism, many couples find themselves trapped in endless cycles of friction and emotional distance. Breaking free requires adopting habits that run counter to modern culture. Here are some counterintuitive relationship habits you could consider adopting or adapting to fit the unique rhythm and idiosyncrasies of your (current or future) intimate relationship.
Never think less of yourself; often think of yourself less
Life is a process of displacement. When you are born, you immediately become #1. As long as you are single, you remain #1—it’s still about you and your freedom.
When you get married, you become #2—you have to learn to put your spouse first (without compromising your deeply held values—that’s why choosing the right person is the most important decision you’ll ever make in your life) if you want the marriage to work.
When you have a child, you become #3. By the time you become a grandparent, you’re lucky if you’re still in the Top 10.
While it sounds like you become weaker, it’s the opposite: You become stronger. While it sounds like you become a follower, it’s, again, the opposite: This is true leadership. The front-stage star is not a leader, but a showman—not the director, but an actor.
The true leader is the one you don’t see, the back-stage architect whose undying devotion enables the unfolding drama, which involves many, to captivate and enthrall, night after night.
Just give
Twenty-five years ago, I was wrestling with my inner demons about commitment and went on a walk along the Potomac River outside of Washington, DC, with a close family friend who had been married to his wife for more than 40 years.
“How have you managed being married for so long?” I asked him.
Robert looked at the turbulent rapids and thought for a while. Then he said, “The best advice I ever received was from my aunt, while I was fixing my tuxedo just before Charlene and I were married.”
He had my attention. “What did she say?”
“She said, ‘Robert, always remember this: Whatever Charlene does, just give. No matter what happens, always give. And the two of you will be fine.’”
I’ll pass on Robert’s aunt’s sage advice: Just give. No matter what. It’s your only power. You control how, when, and what to give.
What you receive, on the other hand, is completely out of your control. Yet the more and better you give, the more love will also come in your direction.
Don’t build a case
In other words, let things go. There are two things you do in life: You choose how you want to live, and you live with what you choose.
You chose a long-term commitment to this person, which means letting lots of things (but not everything) go. Consider that the opposite of forgiveness is resentment. A word derived from the Latin roots re (again) and sentire (to feel), resentment is to feel anger again and again until you become paralyzed.
Forgiveness is a better option: while resentment paralyzes, forgiveness liberates.
Don’t forgive and forget
As children, we’re often told by adults—generally with good intentions—to “forgive and forget.” To forget, however, may not be the best idea.
If you fall into a ditch, the last thing you want to do is forget the location of the ditch. Such a strategy may result in your falling in again.
A better way to approach forgiveness is to acknowledge what the other person did, file it away, give for the other person to yourself, and then let it go. This approach need not include your tolerating the same behavior again.
Forgiveness, in fact, does not necessarily lead to a continued relationship. In many cases, forgiveness enables you to detach yourself from the relationship, not only physically but also emotionally and psychologically.
Importantly, while trust binds, forgiveness releases. While forgiveness is needed for personal development, trust is needed for relational development.
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Trust is not necessarily an evolutionary adaptive behavior, as it can lead to more harmful behavior from the other person. A man can apologize to his wife for an affair, for example, regain her trust, and then continue to cheat on her afterward.
While trusting a specific person whom you feel has harmed you is not necessary for your evolution as a human being, forgiving them is. Forgiveness is one of your most critical attributes because until you let go of your suffering, you don’t let it recede from the present and into the past.
Until you forgive and then learn to love any person in your life, you remain trapped in a drama with them. You remain on their stage, entangled in an invisible thread that binds you to them.
You may be acting out the drama with the surrogates you bring into your life to replace them, but you are still cast in the role. This is how love liberates, how love sets you free.
Truly, completely accept your partner as they are
The more you are able to take this cognitive step toward understanding and respecting innate differences that will always be beyond your control, the more inner peace and happiness you will invite into your life.
If you are like most of us, you probably have not yet made this transformative decision. You have likely spent most of your life preoccupied with the comings and goings and machinations and preferences of the other characters in your story—including and especially your partner—instead of seeing them as they are: as other human beings who enter and exit your stage throughout your life.
How can you accept yourself and others as you and they are while also retaining your optimism about what you and they can become?