I met with a couple recently who came in saying, "We're just not connecting. We've drifted apart...lost track of each other." In the first session, as they talked, I saw him deftly steer the conversation off-topic each time they encountered uncomfortable differences: She always wants to go to her sister's for Thanksgiving, but he'd rather stay home; she wants to travel; he's worried about savings. Meanwhile, she handled these moments by insisting, convincing, and dismissing. When I asked them what was going on, they both said, "We don't like conflict."
Conflict is the "uh-oh" feeling we get when we encounter differences. And we respond to this feeling by fighting, fleeing, or freezing, each of us according to our proclivities. In the example above, he's fleeing; she's fighting. Fleeing is a more obvious move away from conflict. Most of us think of fighting as synonymous with being comfortable with conflict. But in fact, insisting on winning and being right is simply another way of ending, or trying to end, the tension of uncomfortable differences. Both are trying to move away from this "uh-oh" feeling. The unwanted side effect is that they are moving away from the possibility of understanding more, building trust, and learning the skills that make these conversations possible.
In another couple, I saw the freeze response in action. On a sunny afternoon, Amy and Jack discussed a recent visit with his family. He described an interaction with her sister in which he felt the sister was being mean and aggressive. She then described the same scene, interpreting the moment as her sister energetically looking for connection. After her description, he became silent. I asked him what was going on.
Jack: "I don't have anything to say."
Me: "What’s going on inside?"
Jack: "Just all jumbled...we see this differently, so I have nothing to say."
And there you have it. An opportunity lost.
The problem is not the difference, nor even the "uh-oh" feeling. Both are ubiquitous and not optional. The problem is trying to get rid of the feeling by fleeing, fighting, or freezing—our three typical reactions to perceived danger. For these couples, getting comfortable and competent with the discomfort of conflict is going to be key to rebuilding the connection they're lonely for.
The Problem
Couples often think that differences are the problem. And indeed, in the middle of a tense moment, this can seem true. Yet, in fact, every encounter between two people involves differences. As much as we are the same, we are also infinitely different in how we perceive, process, express, and respond.
And these differences, even the small ones, are uncomfortable. We are social beings. Part of our sense of "we" is based on sameness of beliefs, values, and preferences. Even liking the same flavor of ice cream creates a sense of we! We need, and feel safe with, sameness, and we get uneasy when it's not affirmed. Differences are perceived as potential threats. We are most happy when we agree, especially in important relationships.
Our fear response and reactions happen with lightning speed and often without awareness. In a very old part of our brain, the amygdala, incoming signals are constantly being monitored for danger. The amygdala's job is safety first, and it responds in 20 milliseconds—fast, but not so accurate. For accuracy, the same signal must make its way to the cortex for complex processing. This takes about 18 to 100 milliseconds longer. This is not much more, but long enough that if we react behaviorally to the amygdala’s danger signal, we may close the door to other less fear-driven options. Just as we sometimes jump back at the sight of a sinuous shape in the grass, only to realize fractions of a second later that it's a garden hose, not a snake, we reflexively jump back from the "uh-oh" feeling of conflict.
Unchecked and repeated over time, this jumping back can lead to relationships deteriorating. Relationships and individuals need to learn and get stronger in order to thrive. Moments of difficulty are opportunities for building the strengths and understandings that bring us closer. Part of what we mean when we say we don't like conflict is that we don't like what happens when we disagree. When we jump back in fear, fight about who's right, or freeze, we walk away with a sense of failure and discouragement. We need, instead, to feel confident and successful in handling these challenging moments.
Relationships do sometimes come apart over major differences, but much more often failure to learn to respond to differences with exploration and learning causes an erosion of trust and closeness.
The Solution
What if your differences could open onto an exploration, a shared adventure of discovering more about each other and about yourself? What if you could get better at solving problems, being more creative together? What if you could become more interested and interesting, and less lonely? What if the discomfort that has you running for cover or fighting can soften and leave you free to continue conversations, maybe even share a laugh? We can learn to inhibit our automatic fear reactions to make all of this possible.
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When we don't react, but instead become alert and awake to what is going on, inside of us and between the two of us, the tension often subsides. As it does, we get a chance to enjoy our ability for complex processing. We can consider what is going on and the possible responses we might make. Our full intelligence can go to work on how to stay connected as we study the problem. This is mindfulness in action.
The Possibility of Dialogue
Everything changes when we introduce the possibility of conversation aimed at exploring together: dialogue in which the goals are learning, collaboration, and improving your relationship. This conversation is quite different than the one we usually have.
When we engage with curiosity, we find that the difference that initially triggered fear is a clue, a path, to wider explorations. These explorations enrich our relationship and help us to understand each other and ourselves better. Yes, it's hard sometimes. But, as you may already suspect, this hard work is necessary for creating the relationship that you envisioned when you set your feet on this path of caring and commitment.
Getting Started
To get you started, here are a few tips:
- Learn to observe your internal reactions during conversations.
- Learn to identify the "uh-oh" response, that feeling of discomfort.
- Turn this into a signal to "wake up!"
- Learn to pause and observe as the feeling softens, then consider how to stay connected and keep talking.
- Assume that you are both right and work together to understand how that could be true.
- Lead with curiosity, and ask good questions.
- Learn to look for the grain of truth in what your partner is saying.
- Change assertions and certainties into hypotheses to be explored and tested.
- Replace the need for resolution of differences with the goal of having better conversations.
Most Importantly
Take your loneliness for each other seriously and assume you can rebuild closeness. Imagine what it would be like if, when the two of you disagree or want different things, you stay calm and open; you encourage each other to say more; you trust yourselves to find a way forward as a team. Each difference and conflict is a chance to get closer.