“So you haven’t been on any dates?”
I had just sat down for dinner with a friend, when she inquired. It was her third time asking the question in the past six months – none of which I had been dating. When the topic first arose, I understood her curiosity. I was newly single and single people date, right? This time, I was confused by her concern. She wasn’t the only friend to ask me multiple times about my dating status.
“Nope, I’m not dating anyone,” I stated, matter of factly. We ate our pasta, drank wine, had a good time and the conversation moved on. But my mind wandered: What’s so bad about being single and not dating?
My relationship status had changed after I ended an engagement with my daughter’s father. We’d been together for eight years and spent two more years living together, separated but under the same roof.
For years, we exhausted ourselves trying to make things work, but our time as partners had come to an end. The break-up wasn’t mutual and it was contentious to say the least. Eventually, we moved into separate places, co-parented our child and learned to move on as amicably as we could.
When we first separated, we made the decision to not date other people. But once our relationship had properly ended, we were up for grabs. I tried to convince myself I was primed to date. The idea of meeting entirely new men sounded like fun, at first. I was invited to join Raya and spent a lot of time considering using the app. But I found that my shoulders would tense, the breath in my lungs stalling at the mere thought of going out with another man. Low and behold, I wasn’t ready.
I received very few questions from friends about my dating life when my ex and I lived together. But after we sold our home and moved into different places, the questions from well-meaning friends started flooding in, from asking about what apps I was on to why hadn’t I even gone on one date. I personally wasn’t surprised that I’d decided not to date – so why was everyone else?
As a society, we’re so accustomed to treating partnership as the ultimate end goal that we’ve forgotten that there’s nothing inherently unfinished about being single. Being single isn’t something to explain, fix or eventually graduate from. And the collective assumption isn’t even that most people want romantic love in their lives. It’s that if you’re single, you ought to be actively searching for it, as if you’re unemployed and in need of a job.
When I became single for the first time in years, I realised that, when you’re uncoupled, you’re treated like you’re in a waiting room. There’s an unspoken expectation that you should be using your free time to meet people and get “back in the game”, as if opting out of the search means you’ve somehow opted out of wanting love altogether, or as if there must be nothing else in our lives. It’s why women are so often asked why we haven’t “met anyone yet” – as if we need an adequate answer.
My decision not to actively date wasn’t really a decision. It just sort of happened. At first, I wasn’t ready. Then, I began to feel more emotionally stable, open to seeing what the world had to offer and free to explore what it was I wanted. After a year of being single, I still got the ick when thinking about accepting my Raya invite. I met my ex-fiance on Tinder after swiping through the app nearly a decade ago. Why would I want to shop for another partner again?
None of this is to say that I don’t remain open to a romantic connection – I just like to live without the pressure of how and when it might happen. I’ve had the stable relationship, the kid and the house and it wasn’t as perfect as it seems. I am in no rush to do it all over again.
I also don’t blame my friends for their concern about my singleness. They were taught to have the same expectations about romantic coupling that I used to subscribe to. And finding a partner is a natural next step for plenty of people – just not me.
My world feels bigger now – literally and figuratively. I’m prioritising my health, raising the most amazing four-year old, running two businesses and my creativity is at an all time high. My life is moving forward beautifully and none of it requires me to seek anything outside of myself.
I don’t know when I’ll have another partner. Maybe I’ll meet someone tomorrow; maybe I won’t. What I do know is that I'm no longer interested in treating my single life as a placeholder for the next relationship. If romantic love finds me, great. I don’'t need to look for it to know that my life is full.
