I've spent years judging games on things like combat, story, graphics, or how satisfying their open worlds are. But something occurred to me recently--I've not put enough thought into where exactly I would live if I had to move into one of these games.
Sure, legendary weapons are nice, and okay, fine, maybe I should be concerned about the fate of the world. If there's an ancient evil force trying to destroy civilization, I guess I could take a look at it. But I'm an adult, and so I have adult concerns. When retiring to my quarters among all of the chaos, do I have enough storage? Is the bathroom a reasonable enough distance from where I sleep? Is there enough natural light?
For this highly specific and scientific experiment, I've decided to judge games based purely on how nice--or how practical--it would be to live there. There are no additional points for graphics, narrative, or combat. A lovely house in a terrible location still counts as a terrible house. A vast mansion with a shitty kitchen is just going to rack up my Uber Eats bill.
I've judged each property on its layout, facilities, location, storage, outdoor space, and a mysterious parameter that I'm just going to refer to as "the vibe." Of course, considering each house is from a game, I'll also have to focus on how likely it is that I'll be murdered in my sleep, whether supernatural interference is likely, and signs of an impending apocalypse. I'm also assuming that I can afford these places without question.
Stardew Valley's Farmhouse
Stardew Valley's farmhouse has everything you could reasonably want from a rural property--a comfortable living space, room to customize the interior, and even a patch of land to grow your own food. The real selling point is the garden. Imagine having enough space to keep a variety of animals, grow your own vegetables, and potter around blissfully without having to share an allotment with anyone else.
The simplicity is appealing, since you can expand and improve your property over time, making it feel like a home you've actually developed yourself instead of a huge, soulless new build with the same kitchen island as 30 other people in a two-mile radius.
However, there are some concerns about the local area. The town is small with limited infrastructure and the economy seems to rely on a small handful of people selling produce to one another. The local mine also has monsters but nobody seems bothered about securing the entrance or introducing an emergency protocol.
Overall, I'll give Stardew Valley's farmhouse a strong 9/10. I deducted a point for isolation, dangerous monsters, and a questionable local economy.
The Lake House in Alan Wake 2.
I love being beside the water, so I was pretty excited to get acquainted with the lake house in Alan Wake 2's expansion of the same name. The views are spot on, it's nice and tranquil, there's plenty of fresh air, what's not to love?
Unfortunately, Alan Wake 2 taught me that an isolated property in a heavily wooded area is not the peaceful escape I was looking for. The architecture is beautiful, and the landscape is spectacular, but survivability prospects are poor.
Given the plethora of supernatural horrors, I’d like to know whether there’s a hospital within a reasonable distance, whether delivery drivers know my house exists, and whether my insurance company covers mysterious shadow creatures.
Sadly, I've had to give the lake house a disappointing 4/10. While the views are stunning, I don't want to live anywhere with such a high density of "strange" occurrences.
Animal Crossing: New Horizons' Player's House
The joy of Animal Crossing is that you can make the space entirely your own. You can customize your rooms, rearrange furniture, experiment with different styles, and express yourself entirely through your home. The abundance of space outdoors also allows you to create an outdoor space that you want, no matter what that is.
There's no penalty for changing things up regularly, and none of the neighbors complain about your eccentric style. Well, not too often, anyway. In the real world, renovations require contractors and a lot of money. In Animal Crossing, I can decorate my entire house in ten minutes with no mess.
If you enjoy peace and quiet, as I do, the location is amazing. However, the public transport network leaves a lot to be desired. Then there's Tom Nook. Yes, he provides housing, but his financial arrangements need observing closely. Real mortgage lenders send you a statement, but Tom Nook stomps around the island as the only man with the power to expand your home, making up prices and gaslighting you into believing your home will never be big enough.
I've given Animal Crossing's house a 9/10 because of the amazing customization options and enjoyable outdoor living. I deducted one point because I don't trust the landlord.
The Sims 4
Okay, I know this one is technically cheating, because you can just make the house of your dreams with few repercussions. The Sims is effectively a property development simulator disguised as a life sim. I've spent so many hours building houses from scratch, planning the layout, choosing the furniture, and recoloring the appliances, only to never even bother with the family that moves in.
But it's the fantasy of designing and furnishing a house I could never afford in real life that draws me in. Enormous bathrooms, walk-in wardrobes, a bedroom in the conservatory? It's my (fake) money, my house, and my questionable decisions, and I'll do what I want.
Sure, I'm occasionally forced to be the victim of my own choices. A staircase in the wrong place sometimes means my Sims have to walk for 15 minutes just to make breakfast--and that's if they can even make any breakfast because I've filled the counters with appliances and forgotten the need for prep space. Even that's a questionable sequence of events, because the chances of me placing a pretty plant in a spot that the residents believe makes the door inaccessible are pretty high.
You just can't beat the customization options though, so if money and building restrictions were no object, I'd have the place of my dreams. That earns it a 10/10.
The Bakers' House, Resident Evil 7
At first glance, the Baker family home is a lovely rural property. There's lots of space, it's got character, and it's secluded enough to appeal to anyone looking to escape the city.
On closer inspection though, the place is filthy. The interior is falling apart, and there's a general vibe that suggests the previous owners didn't take maintenance very seriously. There's also the small matter of the other residents. I'm not especially fussy, but I don't want to find evidence of a long family dispute in the form of biological horror.
The kitchen is the worst part. You'd like to think that a food preparation area would have a certain level of hygiene, but not here. On the plus side, the house would probably be pretty cheap. If you can find a surveyor willing to inspect it, it might be a great bargain.
Having said that, I've had to give it a 1/10 because I fear the cost of renovating such a large space would be astronomical. There's also a weird smell.
Any Minecraft House
Minecraft's argument for building your own home from scratch is pretty compelling. You can choose the location from a variety of different biomes, but you also have to source the materials, design it, and construct it yourself.
That said, there are countless possibilities. I could build a lakeside cottage, a modern mansion in the mountains, or a cozy woodland treehouse. However, there are some practical considerations.
Depending on where you build, you might need to worry about hostile mobs appearing outside your front door, or even inside your house if you haven't put enough thought into how you'll light it.
Building an amazing house in the middle of nowhere is all well and good, but getting the resources and traveling elsewhere is tedious. If you have the best kitchen in the world, it won't matter if the nearest village is a 30-minute boat ride away. The only local transport is a horse--or a minecart, but you'll have to build the network yourself.
It's also a completely unrealistic construction process. You can punch a tree, turn it into planks, and build a house without ever speaking to a professional. That said, it earns 8/10 for limitless potential, although the process is brutal if you have no basic survival skills.
The Normandy, Mass Effect
I know that technically the Normandy is a spaceship, but I'm willing to make an exception and include it on the basis that it has bedrooms, living quarters, a kitchen, and enough facilities to make it feel like an oversized shared apartment.
The location is unusual, but the views of the galaxy are unrivaled. The beauty of the Normandy is you can use it to travel between star systems, making the commute more bearable than most. It certainly beats the London Underground.
The main problem is that your neighbors are your colleagues, and your workplace is on board. That takes away the separation between home and work. It's hard to relax when somebody's discussing a mission briefing in the corridor outside your room.
The escape provisions are not up to scratch. If the ship gets into trouble, you suddenly have no home either. I've given it a 7/10 for the incredible views and great facilities, but I'd prefer a house where my employer can't drag me to an emergency meeting before breakfast.
Croft Manor, Tomb Raider
If I didn't have to think about the heating bill, Croft Manor would be a pretty great place to live, but it does have a few drawbacks. It's huge and very striking to look at, and there are enough rooms that all my friends could come and stay over without question. There's space for entertaining, fitness, storage, and other activities, but I'm not sure how much of it is actually useful.
A house that big would quickly become a nightmare to maintain. I don't have enough hours in the day to do all of the cleaning in my own modest four-bed, let alone Croft Manor. There are also questions about security--there needs to be a sensible system for keeping unwanted visitors out, especially with such a vast collection of priceless artifacts. The grounds are beautiful though, and I've always wanted my own pool.
If someone else was paying for the maintenance, I'd gladly take the keys. Croft Manor gets an 8/10 because it's unclear whether the manor comes with Lara Croft's bank balance.
With so many options to choose from, it's hard to decide where I'd actually live. There are plenty of customization options in Animal Crossing and The Sims, but Stardew Valley's outdoor space and slower pace of life are also appealing. Some properties show that location, maintenance, or neighbors matter just as much as the internal space on offer. The only thing I know for certain is I wouldn't buy the Baker house even with a substantial discount.