Miley Cyrus has a few thoughts about sex, and apparently, some people don’t agree with them. In a resurfaced 2020 Call Her Daddy interview that’s now going viral, the former Disney star gets candid about her sexuality, including why she enjoys sexuality more than sex, isn’t particularly interested in foreplay, and thinks “tits are prettier than balls.” Which, to be fair, I thought were all pretty tame confessions. But on X, where a clip of the interview has racked up more than 20 million views, people seem to be losing their minds. Some users are saying that Miley is a lesbian, one labeled her with “non sex haver vibes,” and one user called her comments “genuinely one of the most depressing things I’ve ever heard.”
So what’s causing this intense reaction? Miley is just describing her own experiences with desire, and yet people are acting as if she should be pitied. Why? Likely because her comments seem to challenge some deeply ingrained assumptions about what makes someone sexual, what they should find attractive, and what a satisfying sex life is supposed to look like.
To be fair, even I had to sit with some of Miley’s takes. I’ve always thought foreplay was essential, that you should enjoy looking at a penis if you’re going to have sex with someone who has one, and that your partner should be the most arousing part of a sexual encounter. But again, those are my preferences—not universal truths about sexuality.
So why are we so quick to pathologize someone else’s desires when they don’t look like our own? I asked Dominique Oster, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, to break down Miley’s comments—and explain why, actually, they’re perfectly normal.
"I enjoy sexuality more than I enjoy sex."
We tend to think about sexuality and the literal, physical act of sex as things that go hand-in-hand. But they’re two entirely different things.
“Sexuality is this whole broad spectrum of ways that people experience eroticism, embodiment, or fantasy—and all of those things may be different than the act of having sex for them,” Oster explains.
She says that it’s often assumed that people go into sex therapy figuring how to have more sex. But really, the journey is about finding your identity, reclaiming power, unlearning shame, and learning what feels good. So people might have a lot of things they find in the realm of sexuality that they wouldn’t necessarily do during sex.
This might mean watching certain kinds of erotica, exploring tantra, or thinking about fantasies they wouldn’t necessarily want for themselves. Maybe they enjoy being in a sexual environment, talking about sexual things but don’t want to do those things with their body.
Oster explains that it’s similar to having an interest versus something that you're actively doing.
“So it makes sense for someone like Miley to say that, ‘I'm drawn to sexuality, I'm drawn to exploration of pleasure and eroticism and beauty, but that doesn't necessarily mean that now I'm horny and I want to go have sex.’”
"I don't really fuck with foreplay because I'm just too busy [...] I really want to get the fuck done and get the fuck back to editing."
A lot of advice for sex these days emphasizes idea of foreplay. And this can be helpful if foreplay really gets you in the mood. But for Miley, this isn’t the case—and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that.
“For some people, foreplay begins in the mind,” Oster says. She explains that like Miley, many people are busy and have a million things going through their minds at all times. Sure, foreplay may help you get out of your head and connect with your partner, but it doesn’t necessarily do the same thing for others.
“There may be judgment around her not wanting to have this really robust, 45-minute foreplay experience. That doesn't mean there's a rejection of this person.”
For people like Miley, extended periods of foreplay may just mean more opportunity for your mind to get in the way of experiencing pleasure. And a big problem with this is the pressure that it may bring.
Oster explains that when we start engaging in foreplay, we feel pressure to not only be aroused but to maintain that arousal. And if we get distracted, we may assume something is wrong or that it’s “not working.” Instead, it may just be spontaneity that’s arousing for some people. A simple look or invitation for sex is enough for them to feel desire or have a reaction—and that’s good enough.
“I think we tend to put hierarchies around kinds of arousal,” Oster says. “Even though we've included foreplay in [the sexual experience], it's almost like a pressure: ‘I have to have this experience.’”
"I don't really want to look at a penis for any longer than I have to. I think that's why I want it to go inside, so it gets out of my face."
This seemed to be the comment that set everyone into a frenzy of assuming Miley’s sexuality. First of all—if you recall—Miley came out as pansexual about a decade ago. Secondly, how she feels about the aesthetics of a penis has nothing to do with how she feels about her partner, sex with her partner, or sex with men in general.
“Connecting with a partner through sex is more than just about their genitalia,” Oster explains.
She says that just because you enjoy your partner and having sex with them, doesn’t necessarily mean you need to feel a prescribed way about one part of their bodies.
“You can want them, and not want that thing,” she says.
Also, think about the number of women who have trauma, experience pain or dysfunction, or have other challenges with their sexuality (not saying that Miley deals with any of these): “There shouldn't be a surprise that some women are saying ‘I love you, and I want you, and I want to experience a sexual experience with you, but the penis itself—the penetration itself—and the work that it takes to get there is not the thing that I'm actually as interested in here.’”
“It’s all about me because I’m secretly just looking at my own body.”
We assume that sex is about the other person, Oster explains. But in reality, it’s the way we show up during sex and the way we feel about ourselves that can really shape our sexual interactions.
Oster gives the example of a girls’ night out: If you’re feeling excited to see your friends and feel great about the outfit you have on, those feelings will probably translate to how good of a night you have. On the other hand, if you feel “gross,” not your best, or are exhausted from your day, you’re less likely to have as good of a time. The same thinking applies to sex.
Can you have great sex on days when you’re not feeling 100 percent? Of course! But more often than not, how you view yourself is going to affect the kind of sex you have.
“If you want to have fun, sexy, playful vibes, you’re going to have to feel those things about yourself,” Oster says.
So what Miley says makes total sense: It really is all about her—at least when she’s the one having sex. And when she feels turned on and excited about her own body, odds are that this energy will translate into some pretty great sex.