Editor’s note: This article discusses mature themes.
How can you possibly eat a sandwich until you’re completely certain that it’s a gay sandwich? And your waffle fries, are they cool with transgender identity? Would the person frying your lunch give a 12-year-old a prescription for puberty blockers? I tried to order a Whopper yesterday, but the Burger King cashier wouldn’t affirm her commitment to providing surgical neo-vaginas to adolescents with public funding, so I stormed out in a rage. It’s important to have standards.
This very important topic comes to us from NBC News, which questioned Chick-fil-A CEO Andrew Cathy this week about the premise that “they don’t stand with the LGBTQ+ community.”
It’s a question that isn’t a question, asked in word-shaped things that have no meaning. How would that work? How does a bag of sandwiches “stand with” the entire global class of lesbians, say, for example? Do the chicken sandwiches have to engage in some sort of sexual act, or is there just a ritual statement the chicken patty has to recite?
Cathy said in response that he runs a restaurant and the business is happy to sell sandwiches to anyone who wants to come in and order one. It’s like a shoe store manager saying that he’s happy to sell shoes, or a produce guy offering you a bag of carrots, by which I mean that it’s a HUGE CONTROVERSY. Go read this 70-IQ news story as an example: “Cathy emphasized that customers are welcome, but did not directly state the company’s position on LGBTQ rights.”
Note as well that the linked story starts at pathetic and then spirals down rapidly into details like this: “Valerie Bertinelli said she had never tried Chick-fil-A and had no plans to after watching the interview.” Dear reader: Please provide a precise count of the number of times in your life that you’ve wondered if Valerie Bertinelli wants to eat a Chick-fil-A sandwich.
Here’s a complete list I just wrote of things that are less important than a fast food restaurant’s position on “LGBT rights”:
When you go to the hardware store to buy a hammer, do you ask them where they stand on the right of trans-identifying children of color to access state-funded assisted suicide? “I will have the 20-ounce claw hammer, but only if you’re willing to explicitly assert the right of nonbinary Asian-Pacific Islanders to engage in polyamorous relationships.”
They’re getting their X in our Y, their views on (not a chicken sandwich) into (thing that is an actual chicken sandwich). Politics and culture war are being forced into everything. You can get horsey sauce for your roast beef sandwich, BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO RECITE OUR STATEMENT OF GAY AFFIRMATION AND SAY THAT YOU ADORE TRANS EVERYTHING, PEASANT.
LOL, haha, Woke One was crazy. Also, here’s our commissar’s interrogation of a fast food CEO about his failure to passionately and explicitly affirm “LGBTQ+ rights” on behalf of his restaurant chain.
Meaningless, worthless, useless discussion, loud and insistent. Consider this your final warning: You people are upsetting Valerie Bertinelli.
Chris Bray is a senior correspondent at The Federalist and a former infantry sergeant in the U.S. Army. He has a history PhD from the University of California Los Angeles, not that it did him any good. He also posts on Substack, at "Tell Me How This Ends," here.