** Celebrity Traitors episode eight spoilers follow **
The Celebrity Traitors roundtable has reached a bizarre plateau in the lead-up to the final, with the Faithful stuck in a rut, banishing people they seem to know are not Traitors.
There was Jerry Hall last night, then presumably Sharon Rooney this time around, if King Kenny sticks to his guns in the voting when the cliffhanger is resolved.
Nobody appears to know who to vote for, so they just herd around whoever was last mentioned when Claudia Winkleman calls time on the roundtable discussion.
Meanwhile, the actual Traitors remain so beyond suspicion that they were elected the trustworthy trio during the mission. It was so ludicrous I suspect Kenny is still laughing about it.
Tuning in to the BBC game when the playing field is this lopsided is maddening, but it’s worth remembering how hard it was to pick out a Traitor last civilian series, when the show briefly introduced the secret turncoat and showed cocky viewers at home that, yes, the game looks easy when you know everyone’s denomination.
I’ve been trying to remind myself of this when watching James Blunt bounce from pillar to post wielding one idiotic theory after another. This game is hard to play as a Faithful, even when the Traitors aren’t up to much cop.
You’re a sitting duck, on the back foot, essentially hoping one of the Traitors slips up before they can murder you.
And, in defence of the celebrities, this star-studded version of the game appears even tougher. Without Richard E Grant’s flavour of verbally incontinent Traitor, they have shown they are incapable of separating celeb personas from the gameplay.
That’s how we ended up with the discussion during the latest episode, where Joanne McNally admitted that, even if Michael Sheen were a Traitor, she wouldn’t get rid of him. ‘He’s great company,’ said the comedian, who has probably benefitted from the same thinking, giving us plenty of laughs while being perpetually wrong.
Yet when Romesh Ranganathan begged them to put that aside, even Sebastian Croft – who is among the best of the Faithful left and the only one with suspicions of unassailable Maya Jama – agreed it is difficult to disregard.
Because if you had the chance to hang out with James Acaster for a bit longer, wouldn’t you take it? Just look how feral the female viewership has gone from a few TikTok clips of him furrowing his brow.
It’s another inevitable consequence of the celebrity version having fewer stakes than its civilian counterpart.
The sheer charisma of the stars makes for tough armour to pierce when the investigative team trying to crack the case includes a bunch of showbiz people who appear to have been defanged of their more ruthless sides by the BBC cameras rolling.
The Faithful have been left even worse off with Miranda Hart gone. Just as Romesh has been lost and lonely without Rob Beckett, Sharon was a shell of herself without the Miss Marple to her Poundland Poirot.
It was a poor call to get stroppy during the mission, and no doubt sealed her fate, but all the fight had gone out of the Scottish actress at the roundtable. I don’t think she will mind going home, but it is a shame after her ingenuity last night.
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It’s an even bigger problem for the Faithful vanguard, who are now stumbling into the worst-case scenario of a final populated by the clueless who have clung on, up against a battalion of Traitors.
The last hopes are Bash and maybe Michael, who had the know-how to see the murder in plain sight coming and stated the need for strong Faithfuls as the game winds up. But both have failed to put their skills to real use in recent episodes.
Sheen did channel his inner inspirational football coach tonight to try and corral his team, telling them: ‘Everyone always overestimates how clever the Traitors are.’
Indeed, because this lot of Traitors aren’t particularly cunning, they just have a huge strategic advantage and are blessed with cracking personalities that nobody distrusts.
Acaster pointed it out after the mission’s chosen became an unofficial turret meet, remarking, ‘It’s good to know everyone trusts us. We are trustworthy people in real life… They’ve forgotten this is a game and the Traitors aren’t.’
Of course they have. They’re showbiz people. Poor Leigh-Anne Pinnock just wanted to have a laugh teaching Miranda some Little Mix moves, never considering it might raise eyebrows – because they are not playing the game that seriously.
I’ve grumbled about it before, but given how uneven things are heading into the final, it is even more stark. The existing relationships in the castle and the fact that this lot will have to rub shoulders at endless awards shows to come clearly factor into how the game unfolds.
Joanne lashing out at Miranda last episode was jarring, but in The Traitors regular, that sort of behaviour would be par for the course.
The only thing left to make this a reasonably fair fight is some sort of producer intervention. I suspect they already tried to lend the Faithful a life raft with the murder in plain sight and yesterday’s creaky mission, but the good guys can’t get out of their own way.
When a similar situation arose a couple of seasons ago on the normie series, the Seer twist was somewhat controversially unveiled. What alternative do we have when the hamstrung Faithful are sleepwalking towards defeat?
Otherwise, they may as well give Maya and Kenny the cash now.
Celebrity Traitors returns on Thursday at 8pm on BBC One and iPlayer.