Self-validation: the feeling of having recognized, confirmed, or established one's own worthiness or legitimacy. –Webster’s Dictionary
Articles I’ve read about self-validation present it as a series of conscious judgments about the self. Conscious judgments about the self are often the building blocks of personal identity. When conscious self-validation is a building block of identity, the identity it builds is likely to be insecure and difficult to maintain, requiring a certain amount of adrenaline to assert in public. Here's why.
The underlying factors in most behavior are tacit assumptions about the self and the autopilot judgments that derive from them. Conscious judgments are easy to discern. Discovering our tacit assumptions and autopilot judgments takes effort, if not psychotherapy.
Without attention to tacit assumptions, the risks of conscious self-validation are self-deception and hypocrisy, if not outright phoniness. Think of SNL character Stuart Smalley—a lovable mass of insecurity—reciting in the mirror: “I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”
Of course, tacit self-validation has its own risks. Even when there is little delusion involved, it has a veneer of self-satisfaction, which can inhibit emotional growth and flexibility.
Validation From Others
Most people like validation from others, although we tend to want it—demand it—more than we give it. Demanding respect is often in itself disrespectful.
The desire for validation is based on how we want others to perceive us. It always has some degree of impression management. As the desire for validation expands into a perceived need for it, impression management expands commensurately. When that happens, validation from others may feel phony, undeserved, or never quite enough.
Even when emotional validation doesn’t seem phony or undeserved, the good feeling we get from it lasts about as long as the mellow feeling provided by an alcoholic drink.
Nothing makes us more susceptible to manipulation and exploitation than a perceived need for validation. Bad actors seem able to detect those who feel in need of validation. Self-validation is the most effective protection from manipulation, exploitation, and abuse.
The Validation Paradox of Politics
We tend to vote for politicians who validate our feelings and opinions, more often than we vote for those who stand for what’s best for the country. This is a major reason why so many voters experience buyer’s remorse when their candidates win and move away from validation toward pragmatic governance.
Politicians certainly need validation from voters. But not from any one voter or, in our polarized times, any one group of voters. When I was young, politicians validated the consensus. Now they play one group against the other. It’s not enough to validate one group, they must invalidate, if not demonize the other.
Building Self-Validation
The most important step in building genuine self-validation is to test our tacit assumptions. The surest way to discover our tacit assumptions is to infer them from what we resent about others
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding of ourselves.” –Carl Jung
For example, if I resent someone whom I think doesn't recognize facts, the possible tacit assumptions are:
- Uninformed people are inferior.
- My interpretations of facts (and supporting evidence) are superior to those who disagree with me.
- Disagreement is disrespect.
The next step is to decide whether I really believe these assumptions and whether they reflect my deeper values. If so, I validate them. If not, I endeavor to change them by practicing behaviors that reflect my deeper values.