Caring and Sharing: A Structured Approach for Couples

I ask nearly every couple I see to do something that sounds difficult in our era of constant multitasking, crazy busyness, and endless crisis management: schedule a specific hour, once a week, to sit down together with telephones off and deliberately talk about what is and isn't working in their relationship.

Most couples resist this at first, since they assume that if they truly loved each other, difficult conversations would simply arise organically whenever something needed to be said. What I've found over 17 years as a therapist is more akin to the opposite: couples who wait for the "right moment" to raise a concern often find the worst moment to vent a grievance or make a suggestion—maybe when their partner is exhausted and already irritated, which all but guarantees defensiveness. A dedicated weekly ritual removes this completely, and it happens to be the exact practice that relationship expert Dr. Warren Farrell spells out in his workshop and book “Role Mate to Soul Mate”. He calls it "caring and sharing.”

Dr. Farrell’s exercise employs a caring and sharing sandwich: two specific appreciations, one clearly stated concern, and two more specific appreciations—always scheduled in advance rather than sprung on a partner in the middle of a hectic week. I love that Dr. Farrell grounds even the scheduling itself in research, citing a Johns Hopkins study in which infants fed on a predictable schedule felt calmer and more secure than infants fed the same amount but at unpredictable times; the children fed willy-nilly ate frantically for fear of not being fed again soon. Similarly with couples, partners who know there’s a predictable time to voice a concern no longer feel the frantic urgency to blurt it out the moment it arises, which is often exactly when it will land worst.

Before either partner shares anything substantive, they remind each other of “The Six Mindsets” that I described previously; the safe space this creates allows the listener to receive criticism without triggering defenses. Dr. Farrell adds that once that non-defensive state is established, there is an equally deliberate structure for the conversation itself and this is the part that works extremely well in session: the sharing partner states their concern specifically, staying focused on feelings that emanate directly from that issue and avoids folding in other grievances. At the same time, the listening partner gives full attention and says “Hold” any time they notice themselves drafting a response instead of simply receiving. When the sharer finishes, the listener reflects back what they heard and asks two questions:

1. Did I distort anything?
2. Did I miss anything?

Dr. Farrell emphasizes that the listener continues to refine the reflection until the sharer declares that they feel genuinely understood. Only then does the conversation move to the listener's turn, which requires that the mindsets be refreshed since Dr. Farrell has observed that this altered state of receptivity tends to last only about half an hour.

Many couples come into my office essentially unable to raise concerns without it quickly descending into a fight. I teach them the Caring and Sharing format during our first session and have them commit to a weekly hour. Using the sequence as Dr. Farrell constructed it allows both parties to be vulnerable rather than blamey. They each talk about their emotions rather than focus on their partner’s behavior: this inspires change rather than demanding it, which makes people defensive. Having a weekly safe space to appreciate each other, drop assumptions and authentically work to hear each other’s concerns has improved countless relationships.

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