Self-Care 2.0: Saying “No” and Setting Limits

Key points

• What we consciously choose not to do can be a powerful form of self-care.
• The best form of self-care might be where you draw the line and say "no."
• Setting boundaries with people and situations is an important part of caring for yourself.

Sometimes it is the things we choose not to do that can have a powerful impact on our lives. It is certainly true when it comes to self-care. Think about how it feels when you engage in something that exhausts you and you realize that you had the option of opting out. It can be as simple as declining an outing with a friend because you prefer time alone to unwind. Oftentimes the best form of self-care is where you draw the line and say “no.”

Caring about ourselves is never optional. Self-care is about what we do to support ourselves in the context of the stressors of everyday life. It is how we care for ourselves in ways that help us to reset from the demands of daily living. A recent study compared the stress-reducing effects of self-care versus learning to improve coping skills (Riegel et al., 2024). The study concluded that self-care was more effective in reducing stress and improving mental health. Self-care has a significant impact on overall well-being, and the practice of self-care deserves time and attention.

What usually comes to mind when we think of self-care is a spa day, listening to favorite music, or ordering takeout when you don’t feel like cooking. Although self-care is largely about what you do for yourself, it is equally important to take inventory of things in your life that you might consider eliminating. How often do we automatically engage in pursuits that, in hindsight, are stressful and unnecessary? Are there activities that we believe are obligatory but are not? At times, we do things that are not in our best interest when we believe we have no choice. There are always things that we must do, but there are also many situations where we have choices. Exercising those choices is sometimes the best form of self-care.

Learning to set healthy boundaries with people and situations is an important part of caring for yourself. Self-care requires thoughtful examination and deciding whether an activity or a relationship might cause distress. In some instances, self-care is setting necessary limits.

9 Practical Applications of Self-Care

The following are nine practical applications of self-care involving opting out and setting limits.

1. Choosing not to go out when you prefer to stay in. Sometimes it is more important to act on your preference instead of trying to meet the expectations of others.
2. Declining social invitations that will surely drain your energy. Sometimes it is necessary to conserve your energy instead of doing things that will exhaust you, physically and/or mentally.
3. Choosing not to answer a predictably upsetting phone call. Sometimes it's important to set a boundary that honors your emotional limits at that moment. There will be opportunities to speak later.
4. Turning off the evening news. Sometimes protecting your peace of mind is more important than being informed at that moment.
5. Eliminating open-ended doomscrolling. Sometimes social media can be agitating. At those times, setting a boundary is an important part of self-care.
6. Choosing not to spend time with an ill-tempered acquaintance. Sometimes being around certain people can be stressful and not restorative.
7. Not eating food that tastes good now but will cause indigestion later. Sometimes respecting the limits of your body means being careful about what you eat and how it will affect you.
8. Choosing not to wear uncomfortable clothing. Sometimes self-care is preempting physical discomfort.
9. Choosing not to engage in a needless argument. Sometimes it is important to avoid introducing needless stress into your relationships, especially for things that don't really matter.

Caring for yourself might be as simple as giving yourself permission to say “no” and rethinking what does not effectively meet your needs. What we consciously choose not to do can be a powerful form of self-care.

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