Hey there nerds. Yeah, I mean you, you big nerd. I know you like comic books and extrapolating from that fact I know you watched the recent HBO show Lanterns featuring two of the most famous Green Lanterns in the DC Universe — Hal Jordan and John Stewart. It’s okay — I watched it too and am also a humongous nerd. Nerds rule.
For the record, as a comics reader and Green Lantern nerd, I quite enjoyed the TV show. I wasn’t expecting a Green Lantern show to basically be a comic book themed True Detective, but it worked well and was a compelling and interesting watch, especially the interaction between Jordan and Stewart. I especially appreciated the narrative choice to make Hal Jordan a complete jackass… but more on that later.
Anyway, if you’ve been reading comics long enough you’ll know that for narrative reasons Sector 2814 gets to have not just one or two Green Lanterns, but upwards of seven. Why? Because comics! That, combined with the recent TV series, makes this a nice ratings theme which I’ve somehow not done before.
So a day after Tottenham Hotspur’s first win of the season over Coventry City, a match that was not aesthetically pleasing but strangely fun to watch due to various narrative and vibes-based story beats, let’s dip into the comics well. Here are your player ratings for Monday’s match to the theme of Earth-based Green Lanterns.
5 stars: John Stewart
Stewart has always been my favorite Green Lantern. Okay, Hal is the most famous and probably the one that most non-nerds know (if they know any), but Stewart’s introduction in the 1970s provided a much needed contrast to Jordan’s all-American good looks and attitude. Stewart, the third character to wear a ring, was disciplined, a deep thinker, grounded, a college graduate with a career, and obviously a black man which contrasted him with Jordan. The idea of a “substitute Green Lantern” that was not Guy Gardiner turned some heads and early appearances seemed to pigeonhole him as a stereotypical “inner city brotha”, but Stewart stepped in on numerous occasions to fill in for Jordan and eventually carved out an indelible place in the DC Comics universe. He’s a great character, and clearly deeply respected by the various GL writers who have come and gone.
4.5 stars: Kyle Rayner
Rayner, an illustrator and comic book artist (lmao), was introduced as the fourth Sector 2814 Green Lantern in the mid-90s, replacing the “missing” Hal Jordan, and he revitalized a franchise that was going stale. Reluctantly given the ring by a Guardian who said, literally, “You will have to do,” Rayner’s youth, naïvete, and artistic inclinations quickly made him a fan favorite. Over time his power and influence grew and he is now the White Lantern (don’t ask) after serving in a number of different roles. He was a fresh take on the Green Lantern universe, and a worthy successor of the ring.
James Maddison (Community – 4.5): Finally we’re seeing Madders getting close to his pre-injury performances. Spurs still struggled offensively, but Madders’ creativity opened a lot of doors that had previously been barred shut. And that goal of his is one for the memory books. Fantastic strike, and out of nowhere.
4 stars: Alan Scott
The OG Green Lantern, the Lantern BEFORE Hal Jordan, the Golden Age era of Alan Scott is a bit of a weird bit of comics canon. His history and backstory have been retconned a number of times over the years, the end result being that he’s like the spiritual grandfather to the existing Green Lanterns, but distinctly different from all of them. He’s a bit of a square, wields an ancient ring that has a bizarre weakness to… wood and works quite differently than every other Lantern. The rest of the Lantern corps seem to view him as an anachronism, if they refer to him at all. He certainly doesn’t show up on Mogo, like, ever, but his history must be respected.
Sandro Tonali (Community – 4.0): Still not a £100m performance, but he was quite solid, breaking up play and recycling possession. Amidst a pretty poor overall team performance, his play stood out.
3.5 stars: Simon Baz
Simon Baz is one of the newer Lanterns, originating in 2012. A Lebanese Muslim immigrant living in Michigan, he was the first Arab-American Lantern, though his storyline unfortunately establishes him as a petty criminal and touches upon the issues of terrorism, post-9/11 racism, and crime. Baz becomes one of the more mentally formidable Lanterns in the corps, a character you want to root for and are sympathetic to despite some obvious personal flaws.
Micky van de Ven (Community – 3.5): Had some wonderful defensive actions including a sliding challenge that might have saved a goal. Not as dynamic going forward.
Roberto De Zerbi (Community – 3.5): His team didn’t necessarily respond, but I liked the initial move to a back three amidst injuries and fitness issues.
3 stars: Sojourner (Jo) Mullein
Most casual fans won’t recognize Jo Mullein as a Green Lantern because she’s one of the newest. A new character co-created by African-American sci-fi author N.K. Jemisen, she first appears as a New Yorker, a grown-up child of divorce and poverty who is given a ring and “one year to make a difference” and then is shuttled out to deep space for detective work. She’s since appeared alongside more established Lanterns in the comics. A compelling character who hasn’t been around long enough to fully establish her bonafides and so at times comes across as somewhat half-baked.
Antonin Kinsky (Community – 3.0): Maybe could’ve done better on Coventry’s goal but made a couple of smart saves and no major mistakes.
Tosin (Community – 3.5): Strong in the air but had a hand in Coventry’s goal. Went off with what is hopefully just a minor knock.
Jan Paul van Hecke (Community – 3.0): Playing out of position as a RB/CB hybrid, he got bypassed a couple of times but was again a plus distributor from the back. He’s not Romero and people need to stop comparing him to Romero.
Archie Gray (Community – 3.5): Feel like people took my initial Archie comments a little heavy handed. “Not fully convinced” does not mean he was bad, just that I didn’t think he was particularly impressive in the role. He was… fine? Sure. Fine. But just not especially good.
Omar Marmoush (Community – 3.5): If I could give 2.75 stars I would. Pretty awful and anonymous performance right up to the point where he scored an amazing goal. Worked hard defensively, but that’s not really why he’s there. Extremely Chadli-esque match for him.
Mateus Fernandes (Community – 3.0): Had one hospital-ball pass, but otherwise stabilized midfield and had some important touches in midfield. He needs to play more, and not at the 10.
Ben Davies (Community – 4.0): Didn’t do anything either noteworthy or worthy of criticism up until his unlikely goal. He was fine.
2.5 stars: Guy Gardiner / Jessica Cruz (tie)
I couldn’t decide which Lantern I disliked more here, so they get a tie. Gardner was the first of Hal Jordan’s “backup Lanterns” and has a long history as a cocksure, patriotic, at times jingoistic jackass. But his self-assuredness and cocky fearlessness is what makes him an effective Lantern. He’s exposed as a corporate stooge and an unsympathetic twat in the TV series and (mostly) as an in-your-face hothead in the comics. Cruz, by contrast is the least likely Lantern to earn the ring. Cruz is given the ring after surviving an encounter with men that murder her friends, and suffers from deep psychological trauma. She actually is forced to accept the ring after attempting to turn down the offer to be a Lantern, and her fear and trauma makes her probably one of the shakiest and least-qualified ring-bearers. She’s also super annoying in the comics.
Andy Robertson (Community – 3.0): Had virtually no connection or particular vibes with Omar Marmoush, which is weird considering they were on the same side of the pitch. Busted his hump defensively, but his delivery from the flank was sub-par.
Mohammed Kudus (Community – 3.5): I give him credit for the assist to Maddison’s goal, but while he did beat his man a few times going forward, that final ball let him down a lot again. Feel like we might need to fit him with a shock collar if he attempts to shoot from range. Tired significantly in the second half.
Conor Gallagher (Community – 3.0): The difference in attack efficacy with him at the 10 compared to Maddison was pretty stark. Never really got into the match after his sub.
2 stars: Hal Jordan
Yeah, yeah. I know, he’s the Green Lantern standard bearer and no Green Lantern story in print or otherwise can get out of Hal Jordan’s immense shadow. A former Air Force jet pilot, he is given the ring by Abin Sur before his death because of his fearlessness and bravery. He’s also a complete jackass, something wisely depicted in the TV series. He’s got a touch of Gary Stu in him, and although he’s undoubtedly the greatest Green Lantern in the corps, he’s left the job for various reasons on numerous occasions, including one time when he hijacked the entity behind the green light of willpower (long story) and became a villain bent on destroying the cosmos because he got sad one time. Hal Jordan ruins everything.
Dominic Solanke (Community – 3.0): It’s nice that we have a striker that can hold up the ball, run all day, and press like a maniac. But it’d be nice if he also, y’know, scored goals and never once looked close to actually doing that.
1 star: That time Batman wore the ring and became Bat Lantern because reasons
That was dumb.
No Tottenham players were as bad as Batman wearing the Green Lantern ring.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
Dejan Kulusevski (5 stars in my heart), Mathys Tel