“If they were going to rape me, I had to prepare myself for it; if they were going to kill me, I had to prepare myself for that, too," former Hamas hostage Moran Stela Yanai told JNS on Thursday.
"I prepared myself for every single thing that could happen to me or had happened to me,” she said. “When they were punishing me or beating me, I cried only to make them stop. But a minute after they left the room, that was it. I did everything I could to protect myself, except for a few moments when I cracked."
Yanai was selling jewelry at the Supernova music festival on Oct. 7, 2023, when Hamas terrorists kidnapped her. Her family learned of her abduction after her 12-year-old niece spotted a video on TikTok showing Yanai pleading for her life.
She spent 54 days in captivity in the Gaza Strip before being released as part of a temporary ceasefire deal.
In the decade before her captivity, Yanai said, she had watched documentaries about hostages and wars, including one about the effects of starvation on Jews during the Holocaust.
Accordingly, she prepared the other female captives for the impending food shortages, explaining that their bodies would initially struggle but that the discomfort would subside after a couple of days. She warned them against eating too much when food became available, as doing so could cause their stomachs to expand and trigger the discomfort again.
Yanai said she maintained faith during captivity despite suffering multiple injuries to her legs, a shoulder injury, widespread bruising and various illnesses. However, the situation became increasingly frightening as her captors grew more aggressive, believing she was an IDF soldier or worked for the Mossad or Shin Bet. At times, she said, the fear was so overwhelming that she felt as though she was about to have a heart attack.
“My captor kept telling the other hostages to remind me that even if there was a ceasefire, I would not be going home because I had lied to them,” she said. “I used to cover my head and repeat to myself that I was fine, refusing to let any negative thoughts break that cycle until I believed it."
Finding strength after captivity
Yanai said the same mental techniques helped her after her release.
A few months ago, a fire broke out in her building. Unaware that she was home, no one alerted her. She initially dismissed the smell of smoke as coming from nearby renovations, until a neighbor called asking her to rescue her son.
“She screamed, ‘Go save my son.’ I have a dog and a cat at home, and I needed to focus: Save her son, assemble a cage for my cat and get the cart for my disabled dog,” she told JNS.
She repeated a prayer to herself: “God, you are my keeper, and you will give me grace.”
The same inner voice that helped Yanai survive Oct. 7 and captivity guided her through the fire.
Yanai also spoke about fellow hostage Carmel Gat, who was murdered by her Hamas captors in a Gaza terror tunnel in August 2024.
“She was my age; she had the same journey in her life as I did. She was handling the situation in captivity like I did. She protected others, she communicated with terrorists, she tried to do everything she could to survive exactly like me, but she was shot,” Yanai told JNS.
“I could have been her, and she could have been in my place. Somehow, I got a miracle and came home. I promised her I would live for both of us,” she said.
Finding her way back
After returning from captivity, Yanai said she had to cope with triggers, including certain sounds and sights.
“I hear from other hostages that there are things they can’t eat because they remind them of Gaza, like rice. Until today, the sound of drones makes me a bit crazy, and during wartime, there are drones in Israel too," she said.
"Every time, I remind myself, ‘You are in your home, in a safe place, you are fine. You can also go out, look at the sky and see that it’s nothing.’ It’s not controlling me,” she said. “Fear can be your enemy or your friend. I wake up sometimes from my sleep, my hair and bed wet. I don’t know what I dreamed of, and that feeling can stay with you the entire day."
After spending many months recovering physically and mentally, Yanai said she was returning to jewelry-making. She is also writing a book but has decided against publishing it for now, saying she wants people to see her as more than a former hostage.
“It makes me happy to tell my story, because I’m giving other people a tool to handle anything in life,” she told JNS. “Usually, when we finish a lecture, they take us out because people rush to come and talk to us. I always say that I want to stay, hug them and create this connection with another human being."
Throughout her captivity, Yanai said, she drew strength from the thought of embracing her mother again, imagining every detail of their reunion.
“What shirt she would wear, what jeans and shoes. It’s funny because I told that to the hostages in captivity, and she chose the exact same clothes. Life taught me that when you have peace between your heart and your mind, you can do magic. I won against the terrorists who tried to break me mentally,” she said.
“I moved to a new apartment a month ago. There is a nest of butterflies across my window. Every day, I see butterflies. That makes me the richest person alive," she continued.
“I remember minutes before we left Gaza, being in a Red Cross jeep. I looked back and smiled. I beat it. I didn’t leave that place with vengefulness or anger. I’m completely victorious."