Bill Maher took a few moments on his show recently to chastise the fraternity boys of his alma mater, Cornell University. Fraternities, he noted, should produce gentlemen. When a gentleman sees a woman in a vulnerable situation, he “doesn’t exploit the woman; he saves her.”
The reason Maher sounds like your wise old uncle from the ’80s is that he is voicing the wisdom of the ages, based on real differences between men and women. But our culture has spent decades burying, ignoring, and denigrating even basic understandings about sexual morality. Is it any wonder we don’t produce many gentlemen or ladies?
The creator of the raunchy podcast Call Her Daddy has also jumped into the fray. Alex Cooper made a name for herself by selling the notion that a woman can enjoy wanton sex like any man. It’s empowering! Her show consistently ranks as one of the most-watched among younger women. Now Cooper surveys the furor at Cornell and asks with a total lack of self-awareness, “How the hell are we still here?” Many a “Jane Doe” would say, “I got here by listening to your degrading show.”
What’s Behind Sexual Mayhem on Campus
The account of a drunken orgy in a fraternity at Cornell pulled back the curtain on the depravity that’s possible post-sexual revolution, when years of amoral attitudes toward sex combine with alcohol, drugs, and gross immaturity. The picture is sobering.
This is the age group — aspiring college graduates — we hope will build relationships, get married, raise families, and lead responsible lives. That’s proving harder to do. The spiritual and moral foundations that make that possible have been knocked out from under them.
One example is the mixed and contradictory messages that bombard college students, as Cornell’s fraternity-party-gone-bad illustrates. It’s nonsensical to insist that men and women are interchangeable and equal in every way, yet only a woman can be the victim in sexual assault. Both parties may drink, do drugs, and have sex, but the man is held responsible. Women insist on equality and exercising their personal power, yet as The Federalist’s Sean Davis explains, “If you are going to have agency, you have to have accountability.”
This moral disconnect is fueled by what Heather Mac Donald, a fellow at the Manhattan Institute, calls the “rape industry.” In this “heads-I-win, tails-you-lose logic,” if a woman claims she wasn’t raped, “that merely means she was raped with all the more vigor and awfulness.” There is no way to falsify the allegation. A woman may be a willing sexual participant who only later has regrets. Men should keep in mind now that any bout of drunken sex can be prosecuted. In terms of who bears responsibility, it’s a stacked deck. In such an atmosphere of enmity, how do these kids fall in love?
College students, especially guys, are hit with multiple narratives simultaneously. On one hand, classic expressions of male behavior get labeled toxic and patriarchal. A guy might insult a girl simply by opening the door for her. She could do that herself. A man dare not assert himself in most any setting.
Yet a man is supposed to arrive on a white horse, the chivalrous knight, to guard a vulnerable woman, which, remember, she is not supposed to be since women are strong and don’t need a man — until they do. If that sounds convoluted, think how it comes across to a 20-year-old. We have blown up the old road maps in relationships. Neither men nor women know what to expect from each other.
Returning to Reality
The administration at Cornell is caught in the vise of two narratives of its own making, both of which can be found on most college campuses. An army of Title IX employees exists to legislate sexual assault under the banner of protecting students, especially women. Down the street, a health center, such as Cornell’s, provides guides for exploring sexual pleasure in myriad forms, including bondage, sexual fantasies, and “ethical porn.” Sex can be “a terrific study break.” The dissonance boggles the mind.
Somehow, some way, this house of cards is supposed to be held together by the fragile notion of “consent.” Once allegations of rape appear, though, “consent” gets reinterpreted or claimed by both parties, as the Cornell case shows. What’s left other than to sign papers with third-party witnesses to engage in sexual congress on campus?
The president of Cornell genuflects in apology for this debacle on his campus and promises to “lead the way” in ridding the scourge of alleged rape. But the sexual ethos on campus will change when the messages change, and only then.
It is time to admit that the ideology of the sexual revolution has brought us to an untenable place, to debauchery in frat houses and lives ruined. A return to reality would help.
I recently spoke on sexuality on a major campus near me, and I was instructed to avoid anything that sounded like “gender essentialism.” Don’t talk about the innate differences in men and women even though that reality stares you in the face.
Forceful voices to the contrary, ones like Heather Mac Donald’s, are speaking up and speaking louder. Females and males have different responses and desires around sex, she reminds. Chastity and modesty are historic values because they are reality-based. It’s normal to feel shame and guilt around promiscuous sex. If you really want to empower women, tell them the truth: “You do not drink 10 drinks in two different bars … and [then] have a beer at the frat. … You don’t get into bed with a guy you may or may not know. You don’t take your clothes off!”
Students on campuses, especially, are struggling to forge lasting relationships in a turbulent world. They need guardrails and straight talk that bypass their libido and remind them what it means to fall in love with heart and soul, not just physical desire. Otherwise, Cornell will hardly be the last story of sexual mayhem on college campuses.
Paula Rinehart, LCSW, is a therapist in Raleigh, North Carolina, and the author of the book "Sex and the Soul of a Woman." She writes about family and culture.