My only daughter is now in her thirties living her life in London. I’m proud of her, but often I feel sad there’s so much distance between us compared to when she was younger. When she was a child, she’d tell me about school, her friends, the sports she was doing. But now it feels like we have nothing to talk about. She calls her mum all the time and sometimes it feels like they’re in their little team of two and I am an outsider.
Every so often, she will grace her old dad with a call but, in the past, she has told her mum she finds it annoying that I don’t ask her any questions. I’m not interviewing my own daughter, she can fill me in if there’s anything pressing going on in her life. Most of the time, I just pass the phone to her mum because it’s who she wants to speak to anyway. Her mum fills me in on everything or condenses what I need to know.
I met my work colleague and his adult daughter for dinner once and she obviously dotes on him. I couldn’t help but feel jealous. They go to the theatre together, just the two of them, and they’re very close. I’m more of a football person not a theatre person, but that’s not my fault. I can’t help but feel sad.
Graham
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First of all, you’re not alone. Issues like this are often discussed in our daily online men’s groups and regular online fathers groups. It sounds like you are nostalgic for that golden time in her early life where you loved each other unconditionally. People rarely talk about the grief that comes with your children growing up – when they no longer need your attention and affection, and you are no longer the centre of their world.
Of course, things have changed. She’s not a little girl anymore. As a grown woman in her thirties, she might be closer to her mum as there will be things only her mum can relate to as a woman: vulnerabilities, expectations, prejudices, hormones, health issues, boyfriends, boundaries, pressures. She also might be in the phase right now where now she needs her mother more. It happens throughout life. Sometimes she’ll need you too, but you won’t know that unless you know what is going on with her life.
She has grown up and you might have to as well. This isn’t in a condescending way. I have to tell you, you won’t get that close relationship back acting the way you are now. Saying that every so often she will “grace” you with a call sounds passive-aggressive. You’re feeling abandoned, so you’re sulking.
Something that is really important as a parent, and as an adult, is not necessarily avoiding blow-ups, conflicts and pain, but the way we repair and put things right. We need to use things like this as catalysts, rather than retreating into the immature reaction of, “I’m bad, I’m wrong, I’m in trouble.” Take it as an invitation. Her getting annoyed means she’s in pain. If she has voiced that she finds it hurtful you don’t ask her any questions, why not just do it instead of being stubborn?
Saying that you immediately pass the phone to your wife because your daughter only wants her mum is rubbish. These are your own issues about not being wanted, being abandoned, feeling rejected – and you’re projecting them on to your daughter. Have you ever thought that maybe the reason your daughter calls her mum so frequently is because mum will actually stay on the phone with her, and won’t palm her off the first moment she gets?
Relationships take work. If you want to strengthen yours, the onus shouldn’t be on your daughter – or her mum – to do the emotional heavy lifting all the time. Don’t make excuses. Pick up the phone first and find common ground. It’s not “interviewing” someone to be curious and ask them a couple of questions to find out what is going on in their life.
You can ask her things such as: What have you been doing recently? How do you feel about it? Who are the important people in your life? What scares you? What excites you? What do you need? How are you sleeping? How’s your health? What’s been making you laugh recently? How do you dream of your life developing? Do you have a community?
Make sure to reflectively listen and engage with what she is saying. Ask follow-up questions, slowly and calmly as if she’s beside you, rather than as an interview technique.
A lot of parents will dig their heels in and say, “Well, my own dad/mum didn’t ask me any questions and I’ve turned out completely fine”. So maybe you didn’t have that growing up – but didn’t you ever find that hurtful? Did it ever bring you closer to your parents? Or did it create distance that hurts you to this day? You can now give her what you didn’t have.
This might be new territory for you. It’s not about getting it right immediately. It’s about showing up again and again, and it might be awkward at first. You might not always know what to say. Allow spaces of silence, rather than filling all the gaps, and give space for her to speak or ask for her needs, which may include speaking to her mother.
You mention you’re proud of her, but what are the things you’re proud of? Is it her career? How she holds herself? Her ambition? Tell her the details. Don’t assume she just knows. Things like this go a long way in building rapport and connection.
You’re also dealing with jealousy with your work colleague. Have you ever considered the fact he also might not like the theatre, but maybe he takes his daughter because it’s something she enjoys? Why not ask her what she likes to do and then treat her to an evening out in London, just the two of you. Or with mum. Take the chance to enter into her world. If you know London, you could offer to introduce her to your old haunts.
You mention feeling left out or like an “outsider”. Have you felt this way at other times in your life? This is an opportunity for you to take care of your own inner child, and not expect other people to take care of you. Strengthen your relationships – this may take work and compromise, but you are worth it, and so is your beloved daughter.