I’ve Always Said I Won’t Be the Kind of Dad My Father Was. Now My Wife Wants to Force Me to Follow in His Footsteps.

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Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Good Job,

My dad worked 60- to 80-hour weeks and never saw the house in daylight. He was a complete void in my life growing up, and to this day, he can’t name my favorite subject or what sport I played in high school. We had the “good life” with a big house, big vacations, and big gifts, but I never wanted to replicate that experience with my own kids. My wife and I are expecting, and we both work fairly reasonable and OK paying jobs. Our cars are old but paid off; we can pay our bills and save money. But vacations are more about visiting Grandma than Grenada.

The problem is my brother-in-law is more like my dad. He is rich and runs his own company but is never around. My wife’s sister doesn’t work or really do anything (they have a full-time nanny and housekeeper). My wife has been increasingly falling into the rabbit hole over how nice her sister and her family live and getting frustrated with how lackluster ours is. My brother-in-law has offered to bring me in more than once, but I have always refused. I like my low-stress nine-to-five.

My wife has repeatedly brought up the subject that I should take the offer, and she could quit to be a stay-at-home mom. This is a 180 from what we agreed on before we even got married. My brother-in-law is a nice guy, but he sees his golf caddy more than he does his own kids, and I refuse to be like that. I also don’t want the stress of living on one income in these trying times. My wife and I had a big fight when she called me worthless and selfish for not even thinking about it, and I told her to look in the mirror. She didn’t want a life partner; she just wanted a paycheck. She was welcome to go get the fancy job, and I would stay at home to be a parent, but I doubt anyone would take her on. I know it was a low blow, but this obsession with her sister’s lifestyle is killing us. The baby isn’t even here yet. My wife and I are sleeping apart now. How do we solve this?

—Be There Dad

Dear Be There Dad,

Well, first you have to apologize. Part of your case for both of you continuing to work should be that your wife’s career has value, not just for your family’s financial security, but because it’s stimulating, meaningful, and rewarding for her. Aside from being cruel and contemptuous, saying, “I doubt anyone would take you on” was a strategic error. Tell her you’re so sorry, it was unfair and inaccurate, and you didn’t mean it. (You didn’t mean it, right? Right???)

Then listen. You two are about to have a baby. This is the hardest and most meaningful thing you’ll ever do, sure, but right now it’s a lot harder for her. Don’t even begin to imply she’s being dramatic because she’s pregnant, but do acknowledge and express appreciation for the fact that she’s gestating what, if all goes well, will be a whole new human being. Pregnancy is uncomfortable in all kinds of ways you can’t imagine, and she’s facing the fear and danger of childbirth. Check in on her, and listen. How is she feeling? How can you help? What are her hopes and fears?

Having a child usually brings up family-of-origin issues, especially issues you hadn’t fully reckoned with before. You don’t say whether one of her parents stayed home to raise her and her sister, but if so, is she worried about being present enough for the baby if she keeps her job? You imply your sister-in-law is coasting and that your wife wants to coast as well, but give her credit for having complex reasons for reexamining your previous agreements about how to distribute your family’s labor.

After you’ve listened—without arguing or mentally preparing arguments—and shown that you understand her concerns, tell her what you’ve told us. You’re insightful about your own family history, and your reasons for refusing an endlessly “on” job are compelling and loving. You probably told her in the past about how much you missed your dad growing up and want to be a better parent for your child, but tell her again.

You don’t have to make any job decisions immediately. Both of you should take as much parental leave as you can, and focus on bonding with the baby and repairing your relationship. It sounds like you both pushed one another’s family-of-origin buttons during that awful fight. She should apologize for calling you worthless and selfish, of course, but don’t hold out for that, and don’t blame her sister (people can get defensive fast about their siblings).

When you do talk about career choices again, you might want to point out that continuing to work will give her more security should anything happen to you or (ahem) your marriage. (Don’t lead with that last part.) Be flexible and creative about balancing child care with work hours. If you economize, could one of you work part-time for a while? Be genuinely respectful of her work experience and aspirations to make up for that nasty argument. Couples counseling would help you understand one another better and be a great gift to the baby. And congratulations.

Dear Good Job,

My longtime boss recently and very deservedly retired. We are a small crew with a lot of mutual respect for each other, and I always enjoyed our interactions. His replacement, a woman roughly my age, came on board about a week ago. I’m a part-time receptionist, so our shifts have only overlapped a few times.

At no point has she come to my work area to introduce herself, make small talk, say hi, or anything like that. I can overhear her chatting with my co-workers, but they’re managers, and as I said, I’m part-time and hourly (i.e., beneath them on an organizational chart). I am stubbornly refusing to introduce myself because she’s my boss; it is incumbent upon her! We’ve passed in the hall a couple of times, and she just gives me a funny look. It’s getting weird. Does she know I work here? How long can I hold out refusing to introduce myself to my new supervisor? Should I keep this going?

—I Don’t Know You (she/her)

Dear I Don’t Know You,

Yes, absolutely, your boss should have introduced herself. It is weird! But it will probably get weirder unless you make the first move. You may feel relatively powerless as a part-timer low on the org chart, but you have social standing as a long-time employee with solid relationships across your crew. Next time your shifts overlap, introduce yourself. “Welcome, Janet! I’m Magenta. I work in reception and have been here for seven years. We’re so glad you’ve joined us. Please let me know if I can do anything to help you settle in.”

Even (or especially) for someone in a leadership position, starting a new job is hard. Your boss is probably reeling from all the acronyms, jargon, spreadsheets, budgets, positions, and names. It’s always generous to help a new hire figure out how a workplace works—what seems natural to you as an established member of a mutually respectful crew might feel mysterious to your new boss. It’s also a good career move. People remember who was kind to them when they were struggling. If you ever want a raise or additional hours, introducing yourself to her now could pay off later.

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Dear Good Job,

I work for a company that was recently acquired by a large corporation. I’ve been with this company for over a decade, and as far as I can tell, my job is still secure. But the year had already been full of layoffs and unexpected departures, so there are no guarantees.

Because I’ve been with this company so long, the prospect of job hunting daunts me. I feel like a recent divorcé trying to re-enter the dating pool, only to discover the rules have all changed with the advent of online dating, bots, and AI. I started at my company fresh out of college from a Craigslist ad—oh sweet, innocent times.

Could you provide a rough guide as to what it’s like out there now for a standard white-collar worker applying for jobs in this new world? Do I need to retool my resume with AI in mind somehow? Should I expect to submit hundreds of applications and interview with an AI agent in the screener? The prospect of job hunting would have been daunting for me a couple of years ago, but AI and a layoff-rich environment make it much worse. How do I present a resume with an experience section that has only one company and about 10 promotions? I don’t want to leave my company. But I want to be prepared.

—Dusting Off My Resume Before the Machines Take Over Completely

Dear Dusting Off My Resume Before the Machines Take Over Completely,

You’re right to be prepared, and right to anticipate that applying for jobs will be a lot more frustrating than it was a decade ago. Until more companies realize that AI-ifying their hiring process is a massive waste of everybody’s time and temper, you probably will have to submit many applications and expect most to get screened out.

To get a bot’s or a hiring manager’s attention, tailor your resume to each position you’re interested in. Use language that matches the job description as precisely as possible. Focus on your skills rather than titles (unless the job description specifies a title you’ve held). Getting 10 promotions in just over a decade is impressive! Describe your responsibilities for each of those positions, again translating your experience into the terminology of whatever company you’re applying to.

It’s easy to say and hard to do, but try to network. A good recommendation from someone who can vouch for you can get you out of the slush pile. Get in touch with former colleagues who have moved jobs; join your alumni or professional associations; let friends know you are looking. Also network within the large corporation that bought your company. Introduce yourself to people and ask about their history in the parent company. Ask if they know about growth opportunities within the new corporate structure. What can you do to help the acquisition succeed? Look for a transfer if you suspect they’ll start laying off people in your division. Without sounding arrogant, point out that you’ve held many positions within your company and are eager to contribute to the larger organization. Good luck out there and in there.

—Laura

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