Our memorial garden helps us grieve - a cemetery felt too far away

Child standing in a garden in the foreground, holding a hose spray nozzle above their head and watering raised wooden planters. Water arcs from the nozzle across the planters, which contain various flowers and leafy plants. A wooden bird-table-style structure stands beside the planters, and a mushroom-shaped garden ornament is visible at the corner of one planter. A wooden fence and dense hedging form the background. — Image caption,
Emma Moore says the garden has given her family, including elder daughter Penelope, a focus following the death of baby Mabel

ByGeorge Sandeman

When Emma Moore's daughter Mabel died, the idea of visiting her in a cemetery felt too far away.

"I don't like going to them and I feel like [visits] fizzle out," she says. "At first, you'll go regularly and then it'll start being once a year."

Mabel was born prematurely at 27 weeks in April, her lungs had not fully developed and she lived for just two days. Emma keeps Mabel's ashes next to a photograph of her tiny feet but she wanted a special place to feel close to her.

"So we created something in the garden... [to] always be reminded of her every day," she tells Morning Live.

The stillness of green spaces "can help us connect with memories" of loved ones, says Andy Langford, clinical director at Cruse Bereavement Support.

And there are ways to create a special place of calm to remember anyone you've lost - even if you don't have a garden or know much about plants.

Three people posing together on a rocky shoreline in the foreground. One person in a black short-sleeved top stands beside a person wearing a black outfit and large circular earrings, while a child in a sleeveless light-coloured top has their arms resting on the adult’s shoulders. The sea, rocky coastline and a large headland are visible in the background beneath a clear evening sky. — Image caption,
Emma, with her partner Louis and daughter Penelope, says the garden reminds them of Mabel each day

"I'd never done anything like this before, so I had no clue about where to start," says Emma, 35, who lives near Bolton with her partner Louis and elder daughter Penelope.

She chose to dedicate a part of the garden with a willow tree to Mabel. "I've enjoyed doing the gardening and planting. It was nice to focus on something."

Of all the flowers the family have planted in Mabel's garden, Emma's favourite are the lilies.

Morning Live - Memorial Gardens

Families speak about the healing power of nature and how some have created dedicated green spaces at home.

The story about memorial gardens starts at 1:02:20

White lilies are said to represent peace and are a traditional choice for acts of remembrance in the UK, says botanist James Wong of BBC Gardeners' Question Time.

The flowers are low maintenance and can last for decades in your garden, he says, and there are a number of varieties to suit your soil.

The colour of your flowers is a personal choice, adds Wong, so there is no need to "follow the rules" of British tradition with white lilies.

You may find soft pink, mauve and lilac relaxing, or you may find yellows and reds more vibrant and lift your mood.

Wooden planter in the foreground containing flowering and leafy plants, with a wooden bird-table-style structure mounted in the centre. A hanging basket of pink flowers is suspended from the structure. Additional raised wooden planters line a fenced garden behind it, set on a bark-covered surface. A small garden ornament stands beside the planter, and dense green hedging forms the background. — Image caption,
Emma hadn't done much gardening before but has enjoyed creating one for Mabel

Wong says smell helps people connect to nature and works in harmony with the sight of beautiful flowers to create a peaceful atmosphere.

Many rose varieties have a fragrance but Wong also suggests choosing plants with scented leaves for when flowers are not in bloom.

"If you were to plant something like a mint, a eucalyptus or a rose geranium - they have very strongly scented leaves and they're around for a long period of time."

He also suggests evergreen Italian cypresses, tall and thin plants more commonly used for commemoration in warmer climates, as they are capable of growing "perfectly well outdoors in the UK". They have a woody aroma likened to pine or juniper.

Wong also says chrysanthemums - "a classic funeral flower" in East Asian cultures - will also readily grow here. They have a herbal almost medicinal fragrance.

Wooden garden swing suspended from a timber frame in the foreground, surrounded by raised wooden planters filled with plants and flowers. Stepping stones run across a bark-covered surface beneath the swing. A small decorative house and garden ornaments are positioned among the planters. Mature trees and dense greenery form the background. — Image caption,
The family dedicated a part of their garden under a willow tree to Mabel

Emma has placed a bench with a plaque featuring Mabel's name near the willow tree. She often sits on the bench in the morning with a cup of tea.

"It's her little garden," says Emma. "It's a really personal space."

Langford says benches are common in public memorial gardens because they offer "a sense of permanence" and, on a practical level, help you take a break from the stresses and rigours of everyday life.

If you want to use plants to create a memorial space indoors on a balcony or window box, think about nearby seating for two which opens up the opportunity for conversation about your loved one.

A cream felt box with Mabel's name at the top. It is sitting on a wooden console table next to a framed black and white photograph of baby Mabel's feet. Next to it is a vase of silk flowers on the wall is a large oil painting of trees around a pond or lake. — Image caption,
Emma keeps Mabel's ashes next to a photograph of her tiny feet in her home

If you don't have a garden, Wong suggests choosing commemorative house plants suited to warmer conditions.

The peace lily, native to the rainforests of Colombia, will "grow perfectly well indoors all year round" but should be kept in warm conditions with low levels of light.

Frangipanis are "incredibly popular [in] Southeast Asia" and grow well indoors provided they have a reasonable amount of space and are placed in bright, warm spaces all year.

In Mabel's memorial garden there is also a swing surrounded by planters full of flowers. It's a place that has given Emma comfort. "I feel like I'm still very much grieving but I can just go and sit there and think about her and reflect on things."

If you or someone you know has been affected by the issues raised in this story, information about available help and support can be found via BBC Action Line.