My Mother-in-Law Only Let One of My Kids Have Dessert. Her Reasoning Is Infuriating.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband “Garrett” and I have a 2-year-old son, “Harry,” and a 6-year-old daughter, “Monica.” This past weekend, we left the kids with Garrett’s parents for the day while we met up with some friends who were visiting from out of town. When my mother-in-law, “Pam,” dropped off the kids, I could see that my daughter had been crying. I asked what was wrong, and my mother-in-law dismissed it as Monica being upset at “not being allowed to have cake for dinner.” After she left, I asked our daughter what happened.

Monica told me that Pam let Harry have cake for dessert, but not her, because Pam said she “was too fat.” Monica is a little on the chunky side, but not seriously so, and I am outraged that my mother-in-law would be so cruel to her. When I confronted her over the phone, she got huffy and said we should be grateful to her for doing a better job of looking out for Monica’s health than we are! We had planned to have Garrett’s parents join us and the kids for trick-or-treating on Halloween, but they can forget it as far as I’m concerned. My husband says his mother “meant well” and I’m being overly harsh. Please tell me I’m not!

—Mad Mama Bear

Dear Mad Mama Bear,

You aren’t being overly harsh at all. Halloween in particular seems like it would be a disaster—I can just see your mother-in-law following Monica around all night, telling her that she shouldn’t eat any of her candy. I think it’s more than fine for all of you, especially your daughter, to take a little break from Grandma.

Whether your mother-in-law “meant well” (which I doubt!) or not, it’s irrelevant—what matters is that she hurt your daughter. Your husband should tell his mother that she needs to apologize to Monica before there can be any talk of future visits or moving forward. He should also make it clear that she’s not in charge of Monica’s diet, and she doesn’t get to speak to or treat your child like that again. She needs to understand that if she does, she runs the risk of no longer getting to spend time with her.

At six, Monica is still many years away from being able to manage the relationship with her grandmother on her own, and of course it is your job (and your husband’s!) to protect her from tactless or cruel family members. If you’re concerned that spending a lot of time with her grandmother, fielding her awful comments, might be harmful to Monica’s self-esteem or mental health, then you can take the initiative yourself to create whatever distance feels necessary. As young as Monica is now, her feelings and wishes are important, and she might be able to express some of them to you. If she ever shares that she wants or needs some space from her grandmother—due to your mother-in-law’s apparent lack of kindness toward her, or for any other justifiable reason—make sure you listen to her and honor that.

—Nicole

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