My Partner and I Had a Deal About Who Would Be the Breadwinner. I Kept My End of It. They Aren’t Keeping Theirs.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I currently work part-time and am in a master’s program. Before I went back to school a year ago, I was working full-time while my partner was getting their master’s degree. During this time, I was pulling extra weight financially, covering about 70 percent of our expenses. We had a tentative agreement that once they graduated, we would switch roles, with them covering the majority of expenses while I was in school. But it’s now been a year, and we’re still splitting expenses down the middle while my partner works the same part-time job they had when they were in school. We are barely holding our heads above water, as always.

On one hand, I feel for them. They are actively applying for better jobs when they come up, but they keep getting passed over. Every job they are eligible for gets hundreds of applicants. We both overestimated the power of their degree, and it’s not their fault that the job market in their field is trash right now. There are also some discriminatory norms in their current workplace that make getting a promotion unlikely for anyone who’s not a white nepo baby. They recently didn’t even get an interview for a higher paying job that they are woefully overqualified for, and at this point it seems like they might as well stop trying. Ironically, we can’t move somewhere with better job prospects until I finish my program. They are understandably having a hard time with all of this.

On the other hand, though, they’re not living up to our agreement. I am taking out more student loans every semester just to keep us afloat. My partner has some student loan debt too, but nowhere near as much as me precisely because I worked so much while they were in school. We initially talked about them getting a second part-time job if they couldn’t find a full-time one. They recently started doing some gig work, which technically counts, but it’s only three gigs a month maximum, so nowhere near enough for them to start pulling more weight in terms of our expenses. They talk about how they feel like they spend all their time at work, but they only work 3-4 hours more than I do per week, and I’m also a full time student! It’s exhausting, and we’re still barely scraping by. I developed a chronic illness within the past year, at least partially from stress, and that’s made everything even harder, not to mention the medical debt. At this point, I think we need to have a more realistic conversation about them bringing in more income, but I want to do it in a compassionate way that takes into account their own difficult work life. Advice?

—Might Have to Drop Out

Dear Might Have to Drop Out,

Between the medical debt and the student loans you’re using to pay the bills, something has to change…fast. The issues your partner is dealing with are all very real, but so are yours. And the reality of the situation is that you all need money coming in or this debt is going to become truly crushing, making things even harder on both of you. So yes, it’s time for a serious conversation.

It’s not fair that your partner isn’t living up to their part of the agreement, and while that should be a part of the conversation, leading with that will just lead to shame, guilt, and defensiveness. Instead of starting the conversation with who works more or who sacrificed what, I would approach it as both of you coming together to solve a problem, which is how to set yourselves up for a future that’s financially sustainable.

Start by putting your actual numbers on the table. Take a look at the total balance of student loans and medical debt, and the bills and expenses that are coming in each month. Get a good idea of how much more income you’d need to stay afloat and avoid taking on even more debt. Then figure out how much more would you need to actually have some breathing room and comfort. It’s much easier to come up with a plan when you have a clear idea of the actual numbers you’re dealing with. You can also look for assistance with those medical bills—the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau lists some resources that can help with this.

From there, you can tell your partner that while you sympathize with their career frustrations, you’re at your limit. It’s simply not fair to expect you to keep taking on debt. Waiting for the right job to come along is a luxury you all can’t afford right now—you need more cash coming in, even if it comes from a part-time retail job, working at a warehouse, or working some kind of delivery service. These jobs might not add anything to your partner’s resume but they will keep you from having to drop out of your master’s program. But again, once you know exactly how much you need, it will be a lot easier to figure out what kind of income streams to think about.

I totally understand that you want your partner to feel fulfilled, but this dynamic is literally coming at your expense. And if it keeps going this way, it will also lead to resentment, anger, and burnout. If you see a future with this person, the most compassionate thing you can do is keep that from building up and undermining your relationship.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My spouse and I bought our house eight years ago. We have a decent interest rate. Our mortgage is about $1,600 a month. We are now in the process of going through a divorce. Because my spouse makes a lot more money than me (about $80,000 compared to my $20,000), they stayed in the house and I moved to an apartment. My rent is a lot— $1,100 a month. The plan is for my spouse to finish all the repairs and improvements on the house we had started, and then sell the house in a year or two. I want to buy them out when that happens, but I’m not sure what it really means to buy someone out. I work part-time. I’m looking for a more full-time job, as I know I’d need that. I have about $30,000 I received as inheritance. If I buy them out and only my name is on the mortgage, would we lose our lower interest rate? Is it the same as refinancing? What does it look like to buy someone out over time? Is that something a bank would allow or would that have to be a private deal between me and my spouse?

—Love That House

Dear Love That House,

We need to be realistic about affordability here, but first, let’s get to your technical questions.

“Buying someone out” in this context simply means paying your soon-to-be-ex their share of the home’s equity. For example, if the house is worth $400,000 and you owe $200,000, you’ve got $200,000 in shared equity. Assuming everything is split down the middle, your spouse’s share would be $100,000. To buy them out, you’d have to find a way to get them $100,000. Keep in mind, this is a total oversimplification and your actual numbers will depend on factors like your divorce settlement, state law, and so on. But let’s keep these numbers for the sake of simplicity.

Assuming you don’t just have $100,000 on hand, that means you’ll likely have to take on a new loan—one that includes the remaining mortgage amount plus the amount you’re paying your spouse for their equity. But if you refinance, you’re going to lose that interest rate for one that’s probably higher.

If you want to keep that rate, there might be a way to take on your existing mortgage rather than refinance it. Call your mortgage servicer and ask about a “divorce-related loan assumption” and whether your spouse can be released from the paperwork. Of course, this isn’t always that easy. Generally speaking, lenders would rather you refinance because it’s in their best interest, literally. The higher your interest rate, the more money they make. You could potentially talk to your spouse about ways around this, like making personal payments to them over time to pay off the equity, but that’s a whole other can of worms, and it’s not exactly favorable for them.

The bigger issue, however, is that you said you make $20,000 a year and your mortgage is $1,600 a month. I’m struggling to do the math on how you would be able to afford the payment without getting some outside help.

Plus, it would be hard to find a bank that would lend you a house or even do a refinance on that income. Generally, banks want your housing costs to be around 28 percent of your gross income. To qualify for a $1,600 mortgage on your own, you’d need to make closer to $60,000 or $70,000, depending on your other debts. Your $30,000 inheritance is a great safety net, but in the world of real estate lending, unfortunately, it’s not enough.

For now, at least, buying your ex out doesn’t sound like a financially reasonable reality. A lot can change in two years, though, and if your heart is set on trying to buy this house, I would use that time to focus on increasing your income so that it might be a more viable option. But I would also prepare for the reality that, despite how much you love the house, it might not be the best thing for your finances.

—Kristin

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