Your child wasn't invited to the party - here's how to handle the disappointment

ByJennifer Meierhans

It's around this time of year when children start coming home with party invitations in their school bag. It's exciting and a sign they're making friends as they embark on school life. But what do you do when your child doesn't get an invitation?

If your little one has been left off the list, here are some ways to help them cope.

Understand it's a very common scenario

Educational and child psychologist Dr Sasha Hall, who's mum to a three-year-old boy and five-year-old girl, says the first thing to understand is that this scenario is "completely normal".

"Unfortunately it's going to happen to all our children at some point in our parenting journey," she tells CBeebies Parenting Download.

Dr Hall says while it may be tempting to get involved, it is not helpful in the long term.

"We can't remove all the obstacles, but we can give them the skills to manage," she says. "It's about building their resilience... what skills can we teach rather than change their outcomes?"

Comedian, author and mum-of-two Cariad Lloyd says it is a "rough" position for a child to find themselves in.

"When they're little, it feels like first love... everything feels so heightened, especially with the party thing. Everyone gets not invited to somebody's party."

Plan an alternative activity as a distraction

Dr Hall suggests planning an alternative activity for your child to focus on instead of the party.

"Yes, that child said you can't come, but let's find another friend you can do something else with," she says.

Lloyd adds that the more the party situation crops up throughout their primary school years, the more you can explain the different outcomes to them.

"They will be invited to lots of parties and not invited to loads and you'll stop counting them," she says.

"They will come back and be like 'so-and-so was upset because they're not invited'. And you'll be like, 'oh, do you remember when you were not invited to that one's party?' They all kind of take it in turns so it becomes less dramatic."

CBeebies Parenting Download

Helping children navigate friendships

Explain it's not about them

Dr Hall says it's important to explain to your child that the decision to leave them off the list is not about them.

"There are so many factors at play, especially with five to seven-year-olds, they're too little to have built up any kind of idea that they're naughty, it most likely has nothing to do with your child," she says.

Lloyd agrees it's worth explaining possible reasons: "They can't afford to have 20 kids at a party so they're doing six instead and you didn't make the cut."

Dr Hall says there could be a myriad of reasons why your child hasn't been invited.

"It's about the parents' own childhood experience - if they only had a couple of friends at that age they may be happy and comfortable with a smaller party - or they might want a big party in the hope of bringing their child out of their shyness."

Acknowledge it will likely blow over

Dr Hall says parents should remember it is not until children are slightly older that friendships take on a deeper meaning, so what may seem like a big deal now is likely to blow over.

"Around the age of two is when we start seeing them show an interest in others, but it's still kind of parallel play," she says.

"And then it's around three to five where they're actually socially motivated to choose preferences. So they might say 'I played with this child today', but it's around about five to seven where those friendships become more stable and that they're really meaningful to the child."

She says parents should give children plenty of time and opportunities to form friendships.

"There's a piece of research that looked at how do adults go from acquaintances to friends and it says it takes 40 to 60 hours - acquaintance to good friend is 200.

"We then can't assume that because you've gone to soft play and your child has seen that kid twice that therefore you can say that's your friend."

For more advice on all aspects of parenting including friendship and shyness go to the CBeebies Parenting YouTube channel., external