My Boyfriend Lets Out a Dog-Like Howl During Sex. It’s Even Weirder Than It Sounds.

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend has this weird habit during sex that I’d like to either get him to stop or help myself acclimate to. Whenever he’s on the edge of orgasm, he starts letting out this low, loud moan, which sort of sounds like a dog’s howl. He genuinely seems to be unaware he’s doing it.

It wasn’t so bad at first, but lately, I can’t stand it. He’ll be thrusting away, and then comes the moan, and then he’s finally finished. I’d really prefer he forgo his little auditory show, but I have no idea how to get him to stop, especially since, as I mentioned before, he seems unaware he’s doing it. Is there some sort of earplug or something you could recommend? Or something else entirely?

—Please Stop

Dear Please Stop,

You’re in a relationship with this man, which suggests to me that you like him and would be sad if the relationship ended or if he developed a whole hang-up around either sex or ejaculation that prevented sex from being enjoyable. Since people in general can be extremely sensitive about sexuality, and men can get in their heads in a way that prevents erections when they feel embarrassed, you want to use caution here. Absolutely do not refer to this sound as akin to a dog howl, or as a “little auditory show.” The earplugs are risky, in that he may see one in your ear, notice you putting them in, or one could fall out during a vigorous movement. In that event, you’ve got a sitcom-style layer of awkwardness on top, which is likely to create or compound shame.

You emphasized that your boyfriend seems unaware of the sound he makes, and if you’re assuming this to be the case, you haven’t discussed it. Look for an opportunity—whether that’s seizing on a passing interest he develops in Wim Hof or starting a conversation about what the experience of orgasm feels like for each of you—to get some more information. You’re dating him; you should have a decent chance of figuring out the best approach. Once you have a sense of whether he really has no idea, knows but was hoping you wouldn’t say anything, or is producing this sound on purpose because he thinks it’s enticing, you can turn to asking him whether he can stop or work on ways to mitigate the amount of sound you hear.

If you really want to side-step the subject, masking noise is what music during sex was made for.

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I want to expand our horizons in the bedroom to involve more toys. I like to research before I make a purchase, and I can certainly look at online reviews for different things, but I feel really overwhelmed. Where do I start? We want to “explore,” but we’re not sure what that really means on either side because we want toys that can help both of us jointly. How do I know what seems like a good “first pass” at sex toys that will spice up our bedroom for both people? How do we evaluate what’s good for us when every person is different without spending money on stuff we might not like?

—Not So Smart Shopper

Dear Not So Smart Shopper,

You will, by virtue of the nature of the endeavor, be spending money on stuff you might not like, and almost certainly purchase at least one toy that both of you turn out to actively dislike once it is in hand and you have the opportunity to move it from Schrödinger’s Clit Tickler to a known entity. If the goal is to purchase several sex toys that are exclusively wow-level for both of you, that is so unlikely as to be near impossible, and impossible tasks are inherently overwhelming.

I’m not sure exactly what “help both of us jointly” means, so I am not well positioned to make recommendations or find trusted toy reviewers who specialize in the category of objects you’re looking for. Your best bet is to go to a sex toy store, ideally one of the couples-oriented or female-friendly places with windows you can see through and fairly bright lighting. The staff at that sort of store is usually provided with basic information about the products, and there’s often at least one person who has an above-average amount of interest in sex and how people have it. Regardless, you and your husband will have the opportunity to examine toys yourselves and screen out anything where the dimensions seem like a poor fit, there’s a smell or texture that one of you finds off-putting, or the construction seems flimsy.

Start with one toy. Take it home, get to know it, use it several times unless something is absolutely unacceptable about it, and then go back for another (or, armed with more nuance around what you like and don’t like, return to the review sites). Pacing yourself this way helps you make each purchase more purposefully, and gives you the chance to fully savor the enjoyment of exploring a new addition to your sex life. Make the exploration you’re looking for a part of every step of the process.

🥧 Send Prudie Your Wildest Holiday Story! 🥧

For a special edition, Prudie wants to hear about that one holiday where life unfolded like a comedy of errors. Burned the Thanksgiving meal five minutes before all your guests arrived? Took a Santa tradition too far? Discovered the truth behind the family’s secret, award-winning pie recipe? Write in, and Prudie will share what she might’ve done.

Dear How to Do It, 

I am a mid-60s straight male who visited a sex worker for the first time last week. My concern is that I am 20-plus years out from a solid organ transplant, which means I am immunosuppressed. I received a handjob, and she wore a glove, and we did some breast play. I will be seeing her next month, and we plan on doing some grinding. Would it be insulting or offensive to ask if she would wear Lorals for protection underwear? How would I even bring this up?

—Hopefully Safer

Dear Hopefully Safer,

Let your partner know that you’re immunosuppressed from an organ transplant, and, in plain language, clarify what that means as far as needs around controlling exposure to microbes. If you can strike the same tone that you might use to let a massage therapist know that you’ve got an injury they should be aware of, that’s ideal. Once the two of you have moved to negotiating the details, feel free to bring up the Lorals, but be prepared for her to suggest other or additional types of safer sex practices. If she is reluctant to use any kind of barrier (which I highly doubt will be the case), you should find a different person to engage with.

—Jessica

More Advice From Slate

I was invited by my close girl friend to go sailing with folks that she didn’t really know. It was us (both women in our late 30s), the boat captain (married man old enough to be our dad), and his friends. We had a great time sailing, swimming, and drinking wine. Everyone got quite drunk except for me. To make a long story short, my friend got blacked out drunk, put the moves on the old captain, and he ended up fingering her loudly while I sat shocked nearby. The other passengers heard the whole thing too. My friend made eye contact with me, and I’m pretty sure she got off on me watching. She doesn’t remember any of this, and I’ve given her a watered-down version of the events.