A new book makes the case that Gen Zers are struggling to find love and build relationships because their parents taught them to be self-centered and uncompromising. I don’t disagree.
According to Daniel Cox, senior fellow in polling and public opinion at the American Enterprise Institute, parents have treated their children as so special, so unique, so important, that they’ve discouraged them from building the skills of compromise, self-sacrifice, and teamwork that are so necessary for successful relationships.
“More families are raising incredibly accomplished young people who are struggling with… what they owe other people,” he writes in his book new book “Generation Uncoupled: America’s New Gender Divide and the Crisis of Human Connection,” out Tuesday. “[For Gen Z,] simple acts of empathy and selflessness feel radical and even dangerous.”
As a Gen Zer myself, I think he’s right. My generation approaches dating as a practice of self-realization, rather than a means to building durable partnerships. It’s all about what we want, as though the other person is a prop in our lives.
“One of the things that struck me most in doing the research and reporting this book is how we no longer think that we ought to be beholden to anyone else,” Cox told me. “Either because we’re so special, or because we want autonomy and independence, there’s a real sense that we don’t want any kind of constraints — and there’s a real downside to that.”
As families grow smaller, the amount of time and investment poured into individual children has exploded. Parents are organizing their family life, work, vacations and personal schedules to cater to the growing needs and whims of the modern child — which all sends the message that you are the center of the universe.
Cox, who is director of the Survey Center on American Life, has a treasure trove of data to back up his point, and the surveys make clear that young people simply aren’t prioritizing relationships and partnership as previous generations once did.
Barely half of Gen Z say they had a boyfriend or girlfriend in their teen years, and only about half of teens believe it’s very likely that they’ll remain married to the same person for most of their life, Cox reports. Their parents seem not to care too much, either. Less than half of young men and young women say their parents discussed the importance of finding a partner or spouse at least occasionally.
Instead, they’ve been taught to prioritize personal success, independent of others. No wonder nearly half of Americans under 30 are currently single.
“Parents are emphasizing financial stability and security and getting an education, and much less so emphasizing the importance of getting married and having kids,” Cox said. “As parents have fewer kids, they invest more resources in them. There’s this culture of competition that’s come up around kids and needing them to excel.”
Parental selflessness, I agree, is contributing to an epidemic of selfishness. And if your parents bend to your every need, why shouldn’t your future partner, too?
“Modern parenting priorities that emphasize personalized experiences have come at the expense of providing discipline, direction, and formation,” Cox writes. “When kids are encouraged to define themselves before they understand their place in the world, selfhood becomes their north star.”
Add on top of that the fact that the majority of parents, according to Cox, have consistently told their kids that they are exceptional — which, of course, is statistically impossible. Less than 10% of parents rate their child below average academically. And, while half of senior citizens believe that their parents thought they were merely average, only a third of people under 30 say the same.
“Parents have replaced their role as guides with that of cheerleaders, to applaud whatever direction their children choose,” Cox argues in his book. “The belief that we are deserving of special treatment makes it difficult to form equal partnerships, especially with people who were raised to think the same way.”
It’s true that my generation was taught that we’re all exceptional and deserving of accommodation — something that’s especially problematic, considering there’s a documented link between parent overvaluation and narcissistic traits in children.
It’s also true that we’re approaching dating more like a personal project of self-cultivation, as though there’s not another person involved. We have strict checklists and a never-ending list of “non-negotiables.” He must be at least six feet tall, make at least six figures, live in the same neighborhood, and share my politics, we demand.
Meanwhile, dating apps give us the false impression that we have endless potential partners lining up for us. They allow us to aggressively filter to create the “perfect” match for ourselves. I truly cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard from friends and acquaintances that they “won’t compromise” on what they’re looking for, as though they themselves are perfect.
“Commitment feels conditional when relationships are instrumental, serving only individual interests,” Cox writes. “Compromise can feel like a betrayal because it’s no longer about negotiating between competing values or interests, but the suppression of identity.”
This is clearly holding my generation back from love. We romanticize “meet cutes,” but what are the odds that you’re going to meet someone who checks off every criterion on the subway, or in a bookstore? We idealize our grandparents’ decades-long marriages, but what are the odds that they met their one, true, ideal love in their high school class?
My generation needs to unlearn the lessons of their coddled upbringing and realize that compromise is a virtue, and inflexibility is a liability. Our futures, and the future of our society, depend on it.