In the Shadow Cast by Joy

When someone survives a disastrous event, succeeds against the odds, enjoys a seemingly miraculous recovery, or benefits in an exceptional way, joy can be spread as if from rays of sunshine. But in many cases of success or good fortune, there is also someone, often in the background, who finds it difficult to share the joy, as they have suffered failure or loss.

Side-by-side relief and grief can occur in circumstances from the ordinary to the catastrophic. Perhaps you remember the applause as an honor you had worked hard for was awarded to someone else. Maybe you stood aside as others were selected for the team or walked on stage for their diploma. Or you might have shared the sadness of another who was grieving on the sidelines, as you felt their sorrow vicariously.

In 2025, torrential rain caused the Guadalupe River to rise rapidly, resulting in deadly flash floods at Camp Mystic summer camp for girls in Hunt, Texas. Hailed as a hero, 26-year-old Coast Guard rescue swimmer Scott Ruskan coordinated the rescue of 165 people from the camp. As many parents were able to rejoice at reunions with their children, others received the shattering news that their children did not survive. Along with two counselors, 25 campers aged 8 to 10 years old died in the flood. Would the joy of the reunited lighten or deepen the grief of those who suffered the ultimate loss?

In 1963, a cave-in at a coal mine near Sheppton, Pennsylvania, trapped three workers in complete darkness 330 feet underground. For five and a half days, it was not known if the men were dead or alive until boreholes finally established contact. Two men, Henry Throne and David Fellin, were in a chamber six feet long, six feet wide, and nearly six feet high. The third miner, Louis Bova, was in a separate nearby chamber. While the world watched and waited, an innovative method and equipment provided by billionaire Howard Hughes succeeded in rescuing the two miners two weeks after the cave-in.

With congratulations from President John F. Kennedy and celebrations throughout the world, Bova, the third miner, remained entombed deep beneath the surface. The difficulty of grieving in the shadow of others’ joy can pose a lifelong challenge. Bova’s wife struggled to cope with the anguish of living in the shadow of the survivors’ joy. Eight months old at the time, Bova’s son, John, grew up with his grief-stricken mother and the spotlight of anniversaries that highlighted anew the miraculous rescue of the two who survived. Sixty years after the disaster, John reflected on his lifelong efforts to find meaning in the shadow of others’ joy. John’s attempts to feel connected with the father he had never known, to support his mother as she coped with the loss, and to establish his own meaningful path in life continued years after the media had moved on to more timely newsworthy events.

Research has found that initial levels of social support may decline significantly over time in the aftermath of traumatic events. Social support often decreases substantially long before victims or survivors have recovered emotionally from trauma and loss. One study found that 26 years following a 1990 fire that killed 159 of 482 people on board a Scandinavian passenger ferry, a substantial number of survivors and bereaved were still plagued by vivid memories of the disaster and thoughts of what might have been. High levels of anxiety and depression were found to persist nearly three decades after the disaster. As social support deteriorates over time, survivors and bereaved may stop seeking support accordingly.

Recognizing the contrast effect that can deepen grief in the shadow cast by the joy of others reminds us of the importance of caring for those on the sidelines, often suffering in silence while other voices capture more attention. Those grieving should remember that others often feel uncomfortable approaching to offer support. Those who would also benefit themselves by supporting others are often uncertain about how to extend their compassion and willingness to help. It is never too early or too late to start a conversation between those who are hurting and those who care about them.

It is possible to feel conflicting emotions at the same time. During times of sadness, it is possible to share in the happiness of others. Focusing on togetherness can help bridge the gap that would otherwise separate the hurting from those who rejoice. Just as empathy enables us to feel the emotional pain of others, it can also allow us to feel their happiness.

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